Part 1 of 7.
By: Graham T. Towers
When Jared realized he was a vampire, not only did he crave blood, but he also wanted to listen to George Michael and watch “General Hospital”. He was sitting in a bar, next to Brian, the vampire who had turned him.
“Yeah, you might have turned gay, too. It happens” Brain said.
“I don’t think I’m gay, I think I just have bad taste. I even like Elton John’s later work now, and love paisley patterns on everything.”
“Well, how do you feel about Prince?”
“I love him, but I did before you bit me, too.”
“Justin Timberlake?”
“Ditto.”
“Sounds like you were halfway there already.” Brian sipped his appletini smugly.
“Thanks,” Jared Said. “Well, are you gay?”
“Not me. I’m straighter than John F. Kennedy’s penis.”
“Why did you bite me then?”
“I was bored and thirsty.”
“Shit, so we can’t even have sex with each other?”
“Not unless you put a roofie in your blood before I drank it.”
“Thanks, you’ve been very helpful.”
Jared paid for his drink and walked home. He had just settled back on his bed when there came a fucking KNOCK AT THE DOOR!. . .
Jared The Gay Vampire: 2 of 7
By: Andrew Daniels/Fountain Valley
Jared had just sat down with a plate of pita bread and various types of hummus musing over the idea that he was now a vampire. And perhaps a homosexual. The knocking persisted.
“Balls.” He removed the plate from his lap and set it on the coffee table brushing crumbs that had fallen onto his right pant. He unlatched the door and swung it open.
“Yes?”
A gift basket quaintly put together with raffia and cellophane was pressed into his arms.
“Hello Jared,” said a handsome voice that sounded like scissors cutting through felt. Jared’s penis was suddenly all ears.
“Hello what’s this?”
A man’s head leaned around from behind the gift basket. The head, Jared noticed, belonged to a stunning set of muscular shoulders.
“It’s a welcome basket. We give one to all the newcomers.”
“Vampires?” Jared, having been born an orphan, had never been given a gift before. Ever. Because he had no parents. He cradled the basket in his arms, tenderly touching its contents to see all that it held.
A universal remote control, blank CDs, peanut brittle, lavender hand lotion, and floss among other wonders filled the basket.
A tear, possibly a gay one, trickled down his cheek. But it did not stop there. It slid under his shirt, in his pants, and down the tip of his erect penis.
“Thank you. This is so nice.” Jared laid his head on the basket’s wicker handle.
“Don’t mention it,” said the handsome head, voice, and set of shoulders.
“You work very fast. I literally just found out an hour ago that I was a vampire.”
“Well, let us know if we can do anything to help you settle in.”
“It looks like I have everything I’ll ever need right here,” said Jared motioning to the basket. “And here.” He put his hand gently on the shoulders.
“Um, you’re gay too?” asked the voice concerned.
“Yes, I think I might be.”
Before he could even finish, the basket was ripped from Jared’s embrace.
Jared, the orphan who had never been given a gift, began to weep freely. The tears streamed down his face, under his shirt, in his pants and across the staff of what was about to become a GLISTENING, VAMPIROUS, MURDER BONER!…
Jared The Gay Vampire Part 3 of 7
By Kyle “Super Duper” Dickinson/Portland, OR
… And all of a sudden, with an angry thrusting motion, Jared grabbed the unknown Vampire’s head and stabbed him through the heart with his massive, shining, murder-boner. Luckily for Jared he’d recently gotten a silver spiked piercing on the tip of his boner (which he’d gotten on a whim), and the vampire turned to dust almost instantaneously.
It was in this “almost” moment that Jared squealed with delight. The sight of a man, on his knees, in front of him was a rush that he hadn’t yet experienced in his years as a possibly-straight male. It was a feeling of sheer exhilaration coupled with unending sexual fulfillment, and when the vanquished vampire vanished, Jared stared into the nothingness with a look of disappointment. More tears welled up in his eyes, and dropped in slow motion onto his bulging, bloodied cock. It was cinematic. But the tears did not stay long, and a smile crept on to his face. It was a smile of recognition, the recognition that Jared was finally something in this crazy, fucked-up world.
He began to feel that his life was filled with meaningless material things, like cataloging his kick-ass cuff link collection. He’d become so disillusioned with the world that he began to slap the homeless people of Santa Ana just so he could feel something. Also, it was becoming hard to battle the feelings he’d developed for his best friend, the charming computer technician, Stephan. Up until that day, Jared was lost. Now, baby, he was found.
Standing there, pants down, and completely flaccid, Jared pulled out his pocket mirror and looked at himself. With that special smile still on his face he said to himself, “Jared, you’re somebody now! You should go start a Myspace page, and then a Myspace group called Gay Vampires Unite, so that every Gay Vampire can feel they have a place in this world! Also, you should tell Stephan how you feel. It’s the only way you can truly be free!”
With a newfound flourish he ran to his room, and he started that Myspace account. Oh boy, did he ever.
That’s when the phone rang…
4 of 7
By: Carrie – Eugene, OR
“Howdy! Jared speaking!”
“We know what you’ve done,” the man on the other line growled. He had a mysterious yet malicious tone, like the voice from Field of Dreams mixed with Emperor Palpatine.
“What?”
“Don’t try to cover it up. We saw the whole thing.”
“I wasn’t doing anything wrong! I mean…I was just looking at the pictures!”
“Wait, no…”
“Is it because I’m naked?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about…”
“Well what the hell are you talking about? The fact that I enjoy drinking red wine and reading Oscar Wilde?”
“No.”
“Is it because…” The voice cuts Jared off before he can finish.
“We know you killed our delivery boy you sick fuck.”
Jared pauses as a trickle of nervous sweat drips down from his forehead and onto his freshly shaven chest. “You can’t prove that. How would you even know that?”
“Maybe because you were the last guy to see him. Or maybe because I’m homophobic.”
“I’m not gay…probably.”
“Or maybe it’s because you left his dead, penetrated body oozing on your doorstep.”
Jared clutched the phone to his chest and ran over to the front door, swinging it wide open. Sure enough, the body of the delivery boy was still on his front steps, mouth open and completely bled out. With the voice still trying to talk on the phone, Jared couldn’t look away from the pool of blood and soft lips of the open-mouthed man.
Jared slowly raised the phone to his ear, and as if it were attached by string, his penis began to rise as well.
“That’s impossible I saw him turn to dust.”
The voice yelled, “Get ready for payback. We’ve kidnapped your lover Stephan and were coming for you.”
With a glance down to what was quickly turning into another deadly murder-boner, Jared kissed the receiver of the phone and whispered, “I dare you.”…
5 of 7
By: Jared – Philly, PA
His penis led him like a divining rod. Down the hall he traipsed. Past the pictures of Ed McMahon. Past the powder room with shea and cocoa butter softsoap. Past the den with velvety nine-foot curtains. And straight - possibly – into the bedroom. His dicktip pointed undoubtedly in a slightly curved direction, towards the bureau.
”What kind of man has a bureau?” he thought to himself. “I’m so confused…”
”Or am I?” his murder boner replied in his head.
Jared glided to the bureau and gently slid open a drawer. The drawer was made of wood. Hard wood. Jared took notice. He tickled the knob with a flutter of his fingers as the draw moaned and creaked. He reached his fist inside, all the while the buttons on his pants popping. His murder boner now incredibly large, he withdrew his hand from the cavern of darkness, revealing…
A gun!
Oh, how shiny and stiff the barrel. Oh, how curved and comfortable the grip.
”This ends tonight,” Jared whispered, tracing the gun barrel along his upper lip.
”Or does it?”
Recognizing the voice from the phone, Jared flipped around. Standing in his bedroom doorway were two delivery men in tight, olive pants that nicely accentuated their firm buttocks. The packages they carried were well displayed.
”Whoa! Whoa!!” they said in unison as Jared faced them. “Put that thing down.”
Jared lowered the gun.
”No,” they spoke again. “That!” They pointed to Jared’s murder boner. Instinctively, Jared’s first thought was to run to the bathroom, powder his face, and make himself look presentable. His second thought was how nice it would be to gently rest his head upon either delivery man’s furry, padded chest. His third thought was that it was odd they spoke in unison.
Jared was distracted. As he examined the men, his gaze befell their lusciously plump lips – pouty and full of heat. His murder boner lept into attack mode.
The men smiled… reavealing glisteningly Crest-whitened FANGS!!!
6 of 7
By. Eucalyptus Swain – Kalamazoo, MI
…Jared stood before the two delivery-men. The beads of sweat that had been dripping from his brow now cling to his upper lip.
GONG! A button from his pants pops right off narrowly missing the delivery men and strikes his ancient Chinese gong he had special ordered for every time his beloved Green Bay Packers scored a touchdown. They looked so good in knee high socks and short pants. Like a gay mans Christian school girls outfit.
PING! There goes the last button careening off an urn that holds his dead grandmother and grandfathers ashes. It was a murder suicide. No one saw the irony in combining their ashes into one.
“We’re here to help,” Chip and Pepper, the two delivery men said in perfect unison
“Were you the guys that called just a second ago?”
“No. That was them.”
The penis thumps flowing with blood.
“I can’t control it. It just takes over.”
“We know.”
Like Mount Vesuvius destroying the city of Pompeii Jared’s throbbing member erupts from his pants tearing his boxer briefs in half like hulk Hogan use to do a t-shirt. Jared’s hazel eyes roll back, his body completely limp, all four limbs dangle in the air. Arms and legs hang like a marionette whose puppeteer got sniped mid show and no longer holds their strings.
His penis, now leviathan in size, hovers in the air above the two deliverymen. It opens at the urethra and lets out a guttural scream. Like two cats fighting mixed with the roar of a Harley Davidson the scream would instantly deafen anyone within a 10.4765 foot radius. Yet, Chip and Pepper remain crouched completely ready.
Jared’s penis rises, rises, and breaks through the roof of his small bungalow like home. Completely silent it plummets back towards Chip and Pepper, the urethra exposing its huge fangs with smaller fangs attached.
Like catching lightening in a bottle the delivery-men that always spoke in complete unison evade the plummeting penis with little fangs attached to four giant ones. With Chip on top and Pepper holding on for dear life they sink their fangs into the member. Pepper tries to move over to the one big vain on the side of Jared’s penis for he knew that was the life force of this abomination.
Not knowing how to speak without the other Chip couldn’t call out to Pepper to try to stop him. He could only watch as the penis head snapped his body in half.
Watching his friends body getting snapped in half enraged Chip prompting him to suck like he never has before draining Jared’s penis of its blood returning it to its original size.
Without his partner Chip would never speak again.
7 Hours Later
Jared awakes to Chip sitting on an ottoman and a stranger above.
“Wakey, wakey, Jared,” the stranger whispers.
“What the fuck just happened?”
Taken aback by Jared’s forcefulness the stranger rears back and slaps Jared hard across the face.
“Watch your mouth son. You don’t talk to your father like that!”
Stunned Jared passes out again.
2.35 Hours Later
“What the fuck just happened!” Jared screams again.
When he closes his mouth he bites his lip spurting blood.
“Breaking in the new fangs can be tricky.” The stranger meanders over to Jared. He offers his hand.
“Dale. Nice to meet you son.”
With his eyes open and his penis finally under control Jared knew without doubt, “Daddy.”
“Son, I know you have a lot of questions but time is of the essence. You are the chosen one. It was of utter importance that we got to you before the others. You must learn to harness that tremendous power of yours.”
He pokes his sons dormant penis.
“For the sake of good and not evil.”
Jared sits up running his fingers over his newly fashioned fangs.
“Daddy? That’s cool and all but I’ve got to know. Am I gay?”
“Would you rather have sex with men then women?”
“Yes.”
“Well there you have it. Now get up it’s time for the training montage.”
7 of 7: The End
After the training montage had ended, Jared sat exhausted, physically and mathematically. He was tired of his life in one day taking twist after twist, he was tired of questioning his sexuality, he was tired of Bravo’s programming, but most of all he was tired of lame unimaginative penis jokes.
“Fuck this! I can’t do it! I’m not The One Dale-dad! What I am even supposed to be ‘the one’ of?”
Dale looked away, hoping that he wouldn’t have to tell him so soon. “Son, prepare yourself for this. I know this isn’t easy.” He sighed, lowering his head under the gravity of the words he was about to speak.
“You were sent here to save the world….from Global Warming.”
Jared blinked. His father looked up. Jared waited. Blink.
“That’s it? I’m here to solve Global Warming.”
“Son, don’t take this lightly. It’s a very serious issue that affects all of us. Haven’t you seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth’?”
“Yes, I’ve seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth!’ I just thought I would have to save the human race from some evil immortal sorcerer hell-bent on consuming the souls of the weak and innocent or something like that.”
“But you’re a vampire. You aren’t technically part of the human race. Plus how do you destroy something that is immortal?”
“I don’t know! I was just giving an example!”
“Well son, words are the only form of communication we have that allows to really express what we truly mean with some element of objectivity so you should-”
“Will you shutup about the sorcerer example! I don’t give a shit!”
“This is not the way I raised you, Jared.”
“I met you 15 minutes ago.”
Jared sighed. Of course he would go on to solve global warming. He wasn’t about to disappoint his father the first day meeting him. That was something that sons have to earn, years later, after getting a degree in English from an expensive private university for which their fathers had postpone retirement a decade to be able to afford to send them there.
Jared would always be remembered as one of the most important humanitarians of his time, who also happened to be one of the shittiest vampires in ancient lore. And possibly a closet homosexual.
The End.
This weeks chapter comes from Jared himself. It is an autobiographical view of his saga.
We have completed our first, write your own adventure with audience participation. It turned out a little graphic, insanse, and only loosely made sense but nonetheless we wrote a web novel. Another one coming soon…
