Where our friends throw down with their guest spots. Filtered by TheMiddlestChild crew for the highest quality comedy.
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In conjunction with one from the Daniel’s family (First name withheld do their security) The Middlest Child has come across this frightening bit of information. I believe we were the only ones to know the truth….until now.
Have at it internet folk.
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And that’s when it dawned on me – Kurt Russell could never really be that good. He just isn’t believable. I saw the preview for Poseidon and I nearly vomited someone else’s blood. He is not only mediocre, but he hasn’t been relevant since the early 90’s; I’m surprised he wasn’t in Wild Hogs. Anyway, like I was saying, I realized that Kurt Russell could not and was notacting in Escape from Terry’s Trunk, but was rather a corpse rotting in my Jetta. I smiled. Something was right with the world.
You should have seen it! Whoever chopped his head off did just a fantastic job. If you were to put him sitting up in a chair, with his head back on top, it would have actually looked like he was alive! You should believe me, because I tried. It looked pretty good though, like a sleeping Kurt Russell. Like he was a night guard at some downtown building who had fallen asleep on his shift. You could just walk around in front of the cameras, flipping him off and stealing shit, without him even noticing. And you know he fell asleep watching Seinfeld, or Spike TV. The sound would still be on, and we’d know that he was probably a guard in danger of losing his job, so now that he happened to be dead it wouldn’t really matter. Kurt Russell: Sleeping Security Guard. That sounds so much better than Kurt Russell: Actor.
I looked around to see if anyone had noticed, or possibly smelled his decaying scent, but there was no one in the parking garage so I closed the trunk. I thought to myself, “I hope I murdered Kurt Russell, cut his head off, and put it in the back of my trunk. That would be fantastic.” So, I got a garbage bag, took him to my room, and thought for a while. The television was still on, but it was paused, on a frame of Kevin Costner. It all came rushing back. I began to laugh at my mistake. Oh, Terry, you’re so silly!
You see, I had stumbled upon “The Upside of Anger” the night before. I was high, it was on basic cable, and I enjoy Joan Allen (she’s such a bitch!). But after staring at the television for more than a half-hour I began to get infuriated, simply terrifyingly angry. I’m usually so calm on my marijuana cable-surf days, that I knew something was wrong. Kevin Costner was just plastered all over the screen. This was a Kevin Costner movie. How had I missed that? I had thought it was a romantic sort of chick-flick (favorite genre, anyone?) “Oh,” I said to myself, “he’s in that stage of his career now.” I had always hated him, and I usually would have just changed the channel, but I got that feeling.
I had to kill someone.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking: why was it Kurt Russell who was headless in my apartment, and not Kevin Costner? You’re really going to laugh. Honestly. I got them confused. That’s all! Ever since that 3,000 Miles to Graceland movie, the two are just flip-flopped and crisscrossed in my head. I mean, I’ve always hated them individually, but that movie just made them one big human fuck-up in my eternally fucked-up brain.
To be honest, I really can’t remember the series of events that lead Kurt and his head to my trunk, but I must’ve just spotted him first and got caught up in all the excitement and highly concentrated hatred. Oh well, Kurt Russell had done enough damage to write it off as “justice served.”
Kyle Dickinson wrote this piece. If you like it then by all means read his personal blog www.theunlimitedfreedomcastle.com. It’s this cute project he is doing with illustrator/artist/best friend Kent St. John. It is even gallery friendly. (It has appeared in art galleries) Overall its pretty money. www.theunlimitedfreedomcastle.com.
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By: $
A SHOT OF POSITIVITY
Blogs are inherently negative. There is something much more satisfying about opening up a URL to a popular cultural figure getting their proverbial asshole proverbially eviscerated then to read about rainbows and lollipops and dumplings. I’m going to take a risk here and write about things that are awesome. You won’t find any death here. No celebrity panties. Not a smidge of schadenfreude. Just good ol’ fashioned happy.
Today’s Awesome:
Pets.
There is nothing nobler than taking a poor defenseless animal into your home to feed and care for it. The look in their big brown eyes (or eye if you’re obnoxiously, excessively noble and got a crippled one) is one of adoration and respect. The loving tail wags and pants signal a bond growing between two lost souls who have kindled something special. Cats don’t do this though. Cats are mean fucks. So, fuck cats.
Let’s clarify.
Today’s Awesome:
Pets. Dogs.
Everyone should own a dog at some point in his or her life. Walking a dog around the block is a truly unique experience. You get to vicariously experience the thrill of defecating on every living thing you see or at least every sq. inch of territory that a living thing once touched. We’ve all felt that little tinge of jealousy as you see your delightfully thick yet loveable mutt squatting on the prized flowerbed/lawn/child of the prick across the street. But enough of the gutter. Inside the home a dog provides endless useful services.
- Icebreaker for awkward dates.
- “Shlorp, Shlorp, Shlorp”
- “Oh I see you have a dog! I love dogs.”
- “Yes… I do have a dog. Let’s have sex now.”
- Conversation topic with relatives you strongly dislike.
- “Would you like another drink or should I just give you the bottle?”
- “Shlorp, Shlorp, Shlorp”
- “Oh look! Leopold is licking himself!”
- Additional ammo for divorce debates.
- “You fucked your secretary and your secretary’s wife! Of course I’m mad!”
- “Honey look how upset you’re making Scooter!”
- “Shlorp, Shlorp, Shlorp”
Yes a dog is something no home should be without. Their boundless enthusiasm fills the room with joy and enlivens everyone’s spirit. Of course you are taking the risk that your dog will jump too aggressively toward your eldest relative causing them to go into cardiac arrest. This will mean that no matter how much you love your dog you will always look at them as the agent that killed your Poppy. The odds of this happening are slim. Unless you have an unusually high number of fragile relatives depressingly shuffling around your house. Or an evil dog.
Today’s Awesome:
Pets. Dogs. Non-Evil Dogs
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By: Kyle Dickinson
The Acme Corporation 
Insurance Department
525 Washington Ave.
New York, NY 10012
Wile E. Coyote
A cave
Texas, U.S.A.
Dear Mr. Coyote-
Thank you for your interest in the Acme Co. Life Insurance policy.
However, at this time, we regret to inform you that we have found you
ineligible for coverage. The reasons are as follows:
1) You are a coyote. We are not sure exactly how you filled out the
forms, but wow, that’s pretty cool. Despite this feat, we are a
“human” insurance company. We hear Geico is doing a thing for pets
now. Maybe you should hit them up.
2) You listed your occupation as “Professional Chaser”. What does this
even mean? What are you chasing? We looked that up in about every book
we have. If you could be a little more specific…naw, don’t even.
It’s really not worth your time. Or ours.
3) Your credit records show the following purchases in the past month:
dynamite, jet-powered roller skates, a rocket sled, dynamite, and a
dehydrated boulder (what?). Are these for your job as a “professional
chaser”? Regardless, you have purchased dynamite TWICE in the past
month. That is just dangerous.
4) Your medical records show you have broken every bone in your body
multiple times. Examples of the causes of these injuries were: fell
off cliff; run over by a truck; crushed by dehydrated boulder when it
became hydrated and grew so big that it crushed you; ran into a rock
wall that was painted to look like a cave; hop-scotch(?); and lost
control on jet-powered roller skates.
5) You are a pack-a-day smoker and have been for the past 50 years.
Mr. Coyote, we have insured mountain climbers, sky divers, spelunkers,
and a lion tamer. Your application, be it real or fraud, is the most
disturbing we have ever read. What drives you to put yourself in this
kind of danger? Is it the rush? Is it your “job”? While we cannot risk
covering you with our life insurance, we can recommend a visit to a
psychologist.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Acme Corporation
Insurance Department
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By: DaN Cottrell
Dear Ugly Baby at Applebees earlier tonight,
This letter is to inform you that you are disgusting looking. Don’t try to act cute. I saw you eye balling me from your baby seat at my neighborhood bar and grill. And than once again as your mom held your chubby arms as your chubby body pretended to walk. For your information I was eating a Riblet Basket with a side of Garlic Smashed Potatoes instead of seasoned fries. Sorry they don’t make it in a baby form. If they did it would probably be for good looking babies only. I don’t know what happened to make you so horrible looking but I don’t like it one bit. If you ever become better looking and able to walk than please email me with some full body pics so I may reevaluate the situation and perhaps change my opinion about your face that resembles feces. Seriously distraught.
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By: Katie McGraw
The Anatomy of a Bitch Fight
There are a few things that I do not know how to do. One of them is how to engage in and victoriously come out of a bitch fight. Contrary to popular belief there is no actual school you can attend to learn about bitch fighting. I imagine the confusion stems from the fact that you can get ‘taken to school,’ in regards to a bitch fight but despite the obvious connotations of this remark and the lesson learned, it is by no means an academic trek. I didn’t know I didn’t know how to actively participate in a bitch fight until I narrowly avoided a beat down on a recent ‘girls night out,’ on the dance floor, inebriated while having what has now been diagnosed as a febrile seizure, most likely due to the 100 plus degree boogie heat environment, but at the time was confused as uninhibited and inconsiderate dancing. I was ‘acting a fool.’ In the midst of the seize, I apparently, sporadically, came in contact with a fellow club goer. I can’t be sure how many times I aggressively bumped into this woman but at some point, I exceeded her tolerance. In my defense she was doing a good deal of fish tailing on her own and her laffy taffy was seemingly impossible not to bump into, however this point seemed mute as she locked her eyes on me, targeting me with what I would later learn was referred to as a mad dog stare. It was at this point that I passed out. Apparently the bitch fight falls within the same guidelines as sex in that if one participant is unconscious it A) does not count for your number and B) the other participant is most likely going to jail.
Upon regaining consciousness, I resolved to master the bitch fight. I had relied on a life threatening emergency illness to rescue me from one rumble and I may not be lucky enough for that to happen again. Urbandictionary.com defines bitch fight as: two or more girls engaged in scratching, punching, biting, box kicking, hair pulling, clothes ripping and all other brutal ways girls hurt each other. Usually very amusing to watch and film. The Oxford English Dictionary does not have a definition for bitch fight which confirms two things concerning my research, England is as I have been thinking for awhile a dying nation that has given up even trying to keep up with anything that has come into existence since 1903 and that urbandictionary.com is fact, proven. Aside from Urban Dictionary, Scholarly resources on the bitch fight were few and far between. I led myself blindly into the field.
I cannot honestly say that I have mastered the bitch fight, but below is a genuine arsenal of information on that topic that, under the influence, be considered a manual on the topic.
Always be prepared for a bitch fight. Always.
Just because it’s a baptism doesn’t mean Sheila isn’t going to show up with your ex wearing a pair of heels you think may belong to you. You should always be ready to throw down. There is no sanctuary.
Do not pack heat.
Don’t get it twisted, nobody wants to die.
If possible, always carry closed toed shoes and appropriate fighting clothing.
You may have just had your hair and nails done for the party tomorrow but that isn’t going to deter Nancy from calling you out for cheating on her cousin in the parking lot behind Von’s. If you aren’t in appropriate clothes already, most anyone will give you the time to change. If they don’t, you never had a chance to begin with. When packing an emergency bitch fight outfit keep in mind that people, in rage, revert to an animal like state of reason, similar to a chimpanzee or human baby, they will grab at anything that is available to them. Avoid clothing with skinny straps, draw strings, long trains, hoods, and flare. Stick with simple fabrics that take blood well and don’t have anything you’d shed a tear saying goodbye to, that shit is going to get tore up.
There is no element of surprise in bitch fights.
Every bitch fight you partake in, you had coming. Take note of your everyday behavior, if you talk shit on Krystal place a mental post-it in the back of your cerebral cortex with something to the affect of “This shit is going to come back around; most likely in the form of a physical confrontation, be alert.” If it a bitch fight is the result of a more immediate action, for instance you bump a vodka red bull all over a random’s dress while touching up your lip liner, be ready. She may not come at you at that exact moment, but be aware that she is now classified as armed and dangerous.
Take off all jewelry, especially loop or hoop earrings.
The last thing you would think to grab when falling off a tall building or bridge would be a friend’s earrings or necklace, on the contrary, this will be the first thing your opponent goes for in a bitch fight. Earlobes cut like butter and all that glitters will break, fact.
Anticipate a crowd.
If you sitting on a few priors do not start a fight anywhere a living soul may possibly be. Where there is a bitch fight there will be a crowd of onlookers with eyes as well as cameras. The crazier the fight, the better the video footage. You cannot picnic at the beach with out consuming copious amounts of unwanted sand and you cannot get into with a bitch without acquiring a gaggle of witnesses. Reality.
Vocabulary
Be prepared to say the word ‘bitch,’ repeatedly but in varying tones and cadences to give the impression that you are in fact saying a myriad of slurs, not just a bitch mantra.
Do not run
Your hair is behind you. Behind you.
Are there more rules and regulations? Probably, but I can only take so many near beatings for the cause. For those wanting more, a video documentary of my journey can be found at your local Blockbuster titled “Mi Vida Loca.” I offer you this, if you are unfortunate enough to stroll by my stoop at 3 in the afternoon while I’m outside nursing a bud heavy and wondering what to name the baby, you better pray I don’t catch you looking my way.
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[...] Guest Starring [...]
the first sentence . . . “I do no know” . . . proof read!
[...] Guest Starring [...]
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