The Middlest Child

Dear American Politician,

 My name as Aldus Swinley and I have a concern. I’ve been reading a lot lately. An exorbitant amount actually and  most of it done on the computer. This computer reading has triggered me to think that perhaps you don’t have your constituencies best interests at the forefront of your mind. I will organize this to you in such a way that you can understand with the utmost speed and absorbency i.e. a bounty quicker picker upper.

(the quicker picker upper)

BIONIC ANIMALS. I know capitalizing words isn’t good grammar but these freaks of nature really chap my hide and I wanted you to understand how upset my hide and me are.  Science started out as the good guys helping out little leg-less puppies by attaching them to doggy wheel chairs thus allowing them to zip around pretending they are normal.

(Not Normal)

I’m all for playing house, but when that house turns into one that belongs in the circus between to the six-dicked, three toed man, and the woman who turned herself into a pregnant bird of prey or something I draw the line.

(Actual Photo of Facts)

How would you feel having to tell your children the mystical story of how babies are made only to google a picture of a stork and this pops up?  

(Just make it disappear)

This son of a bitch is a monstrosity. Your child would cry and ask mommy to “just take it away,” after a quick glimpse of this “bird.” Try to ignore the pitch-black devil eyes for one second and look a little down and to the left. See that beak? That is steel. U.S. Steel. The backbone of our country. Steel is no longer building frames for our next highway or railroad but rather taking a Mother Goose fairy tale stork and making it an airborne weapon that not even Alfred Hitchcock could have thought up. Not poly-urethane – alloy, blah, blah, blah. This is one rugged pecker that is prime to do some damage.

I know what you’re thinking “But, storks are stupid, stupid animals, and wouldn’t know how to use that thing anyway.” Well then may I present to you this.

(Worlds smartest animal. Watch your shit.)

Why are these assholes always smiling at me? Cocky grin plastered onto its face every time. Looking and thinking that it’s better then me. Well, look closer at that top picture. Look at the tail. Ya, that’s not real soon to be tuna in my belly tail meat. That’s a bionic tale which I’m sure allows him to swim a good ten to fifteen miles-per-hour faster, and jump three times as high. I ask you, why are we further arming the same animal that can kill real life sharks and attempted an assassination plot on the President of these United States.

(Real Life Movie)

If General George Patton couldn’t barely stop this thing with a normal fin …I….I….  I don’t even want to continue to think about the possible consequences. 

I beg of you to think about the road we are headed down. I do say that we must think morally here. We should not just slap some steel on a stork because we can and it needs to survive. First a bionic tail fin on a dolphin and then…

It’s a slippery…

slippery…

slope.

Fuck.

That is all. Sincerely,

Aldus Swinley

*All pictures courtesy of FreakingNews.com*