Next up is Best Picture winner, Slumdog Millionaire. Oh, did I say that too soon? Come on, we all know it’s going to win. I understand this film to be a biopic about Regis Philbin.
ANGRY MAN: You cheated at Who Wants to be a Millionaire! Tell me how!
JAMAL: No I didn’t!
ANGRY MAN: Liar liar pants on fire! And when I say fire I mean electrocution, and when I say pants I mean your feet.
JAMAL: Fine. I’ll tell you how I’m winning. Through flashback if that’s alright.
ANGRY MAN: Ooh, that sounds visually appealing.
Flashback:
LITTLE BOY JAMAL: I’m a sad little Indian. Dots, not feathers.
SALIM: I’m a douchebag brother even as a little boy! Guess what? Our mom died.
LITTLE BOY JAMAL: My life stinks. Let’s befriend this nice man. Jk he’s gonna blind us let’s run away! Hold up…who’s that girl?
SALIM: Fuck if I know.
LATIKA: I’m Latika. I look like a homeless street urchin now, but I’ma be hot later.
JAMAL: I love you like Salim loves killing people. Let’s listen to Paper Planes! That song was more effective in the Pineapple Express trailer.
Later:
ANGRY MAN: I don’t believe you! You’re still a liar!
JAMAL: Oh yeah? Well, this plot device is working nicely so I’m going to keep telling you my life story until you believe me.
Flashback:
TEEN JAMAL: Let’s steal people’s money and stuff.
SALIM: Duh. I’m a gangster.
JAMAL: I must find Latika again.
SALIM: Enough bitchin over bitches, bitch.
JAMAL: You shut your face. I bet she’s hot.
They find Latika. She’s hot.
JAMAL: LATIKA! I FOUND YOU! I’M OBSESSED WITH YOU!
LATIKA: I’m a prostitute now. Let’s run away!
SALIM: Hey, I don’t wanna be a dick, here…but I’m gonna go ahead and steal your girl.
JAMAL: You’re such a douchebag! Why do I hang out with you?
Later:
SALIM: Hey, Jamal. Sorry for being a douche. I’ma make up for it by letting your girl free and letting myself get killed in a bathtub full of money, gangster style.
JAMAL: Cool I guess. I’m gonna go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
SALIM: That’s kinda lame…
JAMAL: Shut up. I like Regis & Kelly.
TV SHOW HOST: You’re about to win a shitload of money! Who do you want to use as your lifeline?
JAMAL: I don’t care. I went on this show to impress a girl I’m stalking. I guess I’ll call my bro.
LATIKA: Jamal! Salim gave me his phone isn’t that totally convenient?
JAMAL: Yeah! Hold on for a sec I’m gonna win some money and then we’ll run away together.
LATIKA: Okey dokey.
TV SHOW HOST: YOU WIN!
ANGRY MAN: Sorry I was so angry.
JAMAL: I LOVE YOU, LATIKA!
LATIKA: LET’S DANCE!
JAMAL: Huh?
A Bollywood-style dance scene ensues.
THE END.
Only one more to go! Check back soon before the Oscars tomorrow in order to get your two-minute recap of Milk!
Brilliant. you forgot the poop.
Haha I was tempted to throw that in there.
–Kari
Lol, thats decent, but I only found ur site cause I was searching for what latika said at the end to Jamal on the phone when she doesnt know the answer to the million dollar question. Someone tell me!!
She said, I don’t know.
She says “I’m yours” in Hindi.