The Middlest Child

Moving on to the Best Picture nominees! Next up in the Two-Minute Movie series is The Reader, the Post-WWII film about knowledge, truth, and responsibility that has given the Academy a huge boner recently. You’ll soon find out why. Caution: Spoilers.

Premise: This movie will win an Oscar for it’s capability to combine porn with the Holocaust.

RAY FIENNES: Hello, audience. Contrary to my always-angry face, I’m the protagonist in this film. I’m just gonna stand over here and look out a window at a train so we can do a sweet transition like in Schindler’s List. K bye see you in a couple hours.
MICHAEL (DAVID KROSS): Oh no I’m puking. I’m a helpless teenager and I’m sicky!
HANNAH (KATE WINSLET): Here, kid. I’ll clean your puke.
MICHAEL: Is that a come-on? I’m gonna take it as one.
HANNAH: Duh.
MICHAEL: I’ll bring wienerschinitzel.
HANNAH: Was that a euphemism? Take a look at this!
[Shot of Kate Winslet’s vagina.]
MICHAEL: Ewwy! I’m scared! Just kidding, let’s bone for half of this movie.
HANNAH: Deal!
[Shot of David Kross’ man meat.]

HANNAH: Hey, kid. You have to read me books before we do it.
MICHAEL: Like porn?
HANNAH: No, like Greek tragedy. I like to cry before sex.
MICHAEL: Uhhhhhhhh…ok whatever I’m horny.
HANNAH: I love you but I’m gonna disappear randomly for a while so you the audience understands that this movie is about you. WHY AM I NOT IN THE BEST SUPPORTING CATEGORY?

Later:
MICHAEL: I’m all grown up I’m gonna be a lawyer! Yayyy!
TEACHER: Let’s go to the Nuremburg trials!
MICHAEL: Sounds like a fun field trip! Oh shit that Nazi used to wash my balls!
[That was not a joke.]
HANNAH: I don’t understand what I did wrong even though you just explained to me that I locked people in a burning building.
JUDGE: You should’ve invested in a paper shredder. Evidence FTL.
MICHAEL: Wait, she didn’t sign that thing! She can’t read! I’M THE READER! THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT ME!
HANNAH: Save me then!
MICHAEL: Nah. I’m lazy. Jail for life probs won’t be too bad though.

Later:
HANNAH: Hey audience, look how weird I look with grey hair.
OLD MICHAEL: My paralyzing guilt is forcing me to send you books on tape.
HANNAH: I’m gonna teach myself to read in jail!
MICHAEL: That’s the point, my little illiterate sex machine. I’ll bust you out of the big house tomorrow.
HANNAH: Well, normally that would work, but I think you forgot that I’m Kate Winslet, and I try to commit suicide in every movie I’m in. So, I’m gonna go ahead and hang myself instead. Peace out!
[Hannah hangs herself.]
MICHAEL: Omg so sad. Sorta.

Later:
MICHAEL: Hey, daughter with no place in this movie. I’m gonna tell you a story about me having sex with an old Nazi woman until it haunts your dreams!
[Fade to black.]

THE END.

Be on the look out for the rest of the Best Picture nominees, as well as probably more.