Below is an open letter to the Oscar panel, as well as a picture of 2006 Best Picture winner, Trash.
Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences,
As a devoted watcher of your annual awards ceremony, I’m writing in regards to the recent nominations made public last week. Though your opinion is held at the highest rung of the Hollywood status ladder, just above Pauly Shore and right below Jamie Kennedy, I have one simple question regarding your choices for the 81st annual awards nominees: Were you fucking high? Or, excuse me, how high were you?
Pardon my adjective choice, but there are a few points present in the nominations that lead me to believe, after careful examination of all other alternatives, that the entire academy was blazed out of their minds while choosing the nominees.
First of all, the only explanation for Revolutionary Road being almost completely shut out of the nominations (save Michael Shannon’s role as Crazy Guy), was that you were so high that you thought it was the 2007 film Reservation Road, and decided that no, Joaquin Phoenix did not deserve a nom after retiring to turn into a homeless rap artist and announcing that he “leaves Hollywood to Casey Affleck.” Pull the joint away from your lips, Academy, Kate and Leo at least deserved acting noms for being able to yell that loud for an extended amount of time.
Second on the list, no Bruce? WTF! The Peter Gabriel song from WALL-E is a given, so no harm done with that choice. For everyone’s sake I hope the performance of “Down to Earth” is John Cusack holding up a boom box on stage for the entirety of the song. Now we get into shady territory. TWO songs from Slumdog? By the composer? Now, I realize they can’t be in score because they have lyrics, but both? Here’s how that happened: “Hey….dude…you know what would be sooooo fuckin rad? If those people in that Who Wants to be a Millionaire movie did that funny dance scene at the Oscars. Haha…let’s…let’s vote that song in. Let’s do it. I dare you.”
Next, I move on to The Dark Knight. Why, may I ask, isn’t it nominated for Best Picture? It’s only the second-highest-grossing movie of all time…and it’s only had the most nominations for awards shows over any film this year. No big deal. It’s a silly comic book movie, right? I mean…it’s about guys in capes and makeup! That would disgrace the Academy’s good name. This leads me to assume that you actually LOVE The Dark Knight, but are hiding your stoner, comic book-reading habits by force-feeding us intense dramas about the Holocaust and Brad Pitt wearing various levels of age makeup. Seriously, though…why no Chris Nolan?
Lastly, I bring my strongest point. Kate Winslet nominated for Best Actress for The Reader? It was a great performance, but it’s a supporting role. She’s won literally every award for the Supporting category, and the studio tried to tell you that it was a supporting role…yet you turned around and said, “Pshhhh but did you see her boobs? That deserves Best Actress fo sho. Fo. Sho.” Hey, Academy! The movie is called The Reader! Her character can’t read! Maybe if the film were called The Listener, I would understand why she was given the lead role’s award nom. But it’s not, so, therefore, you must’ve been high. Sooooo high.
Next year, Academy, all I ask of you is that you put the weed down, stop ogling Kate Winslet’s boobs (or David Kross’ jewels; I don’t judge), and cast votes that actually make sense. Nominating the cast and crew of The Love Guru would’ve made more sense. Or Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Though, Academy, I’m glad to see you gave Wanted two nominations for it’s brilliant work in the art of cinema.
Sincerely,
Kari G.
Unlicensed Movie Enthusiast
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