A Christmas tale by Kari G. and Dres F.C..
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house;
Not a creature was sober not even a mouse.
The family was screaming, the shotgun baby was bare;
Uncle Jessie touched his niece, stroking her hair.
I was standing there minding my own;
When a fist came in, wrecking my dome!
I stumbled and bled all over the place;
Only my older sister, drunk and fourteen, bandaged my face.
Mom and Dad now making out by the tree,
Uncle Jessie now turned his attention to the shotgun baby!
My sister and I knew this had to stop;
She pulled out bat and slammed Uncle Jessie, Ker-Plop!
I told her she should have let me use my Glock;
She me advised to save it for the nosey police man down the block.
We buried our pedophile uncle in the snow;
But that precipitation would melt, little did we know.
With Uncle Jessie now gone, sis and I turned our attention;
Grandpa and Grandpa apparently liked men, they’d forgot to mention.
Not one, but two couples now making out;
Mom and Dad by the tree, Grandpas leaving no gay doubt.
More rapid than eagles, Grandpa rounded first base,
As the Grandmas whistled and shouted to the children by face:
“Now, Natty! Now, Beast! Now, Pabst Blue Ribbon!
On Vodka, on Rum! On Corona and Bourbon!”
From the back of the fridge to the bar shelves so tall,
Now take a pull, take a pull, take a pull, all!
Uncle Jessie emerged from outside in the snow
With his little niece Sam, looking like a sad-eyed doe.
Sam ran up to her relatives, at least the ones not kissing,
But her Grandmas were shit-faced and therefore not list’ning.
Sam wanted to ask if it’s normal to care
When Jessie would stroke her leg or her hair.
Unfortunately for her my sister and I were high,
And the forgotten shotgun baby would only cry.
Sam ran to her room and locked the door tight,
As I stared at the baby with all of my might.
The baby wasn’t quite like us, with its ‘fro and dark skin;
And it just stared out in silence without a laugh or a grin.
But I heard it cry out its first words on that night,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bud Light.”
