The following is written by a Middlest Child acquaintance. We once promised him he could write this article and we would post it. Then we actually read it. It is really how do we say…not P.C. and rather pig headed. I know the person that wrote this doesn’t believe the things he wrote, he is just a very, very, ….very, angry person. So we here at T.M.C. must start this off by saying the thoughts and opinions portrayed by the author in this article do NOT reflect the thoughts and opinions of ANYONE at T.M.C. (And nor should it anyone because then you would most likely be in jail where you would belong.
By: Naaman Fletcher, B.A.
I’ve decided we need some good male role models to give us a swift kick in the grundle and remind us what kind of men we should be. We need role models to keep us from lotioning our hands for anything other than the great Olympic sport of pole tugging in manly circles of three to four close manly friends. So, feast upon this list of man-mentors. Mantors, if you will. And God knows you should.
# 7
Mantor: Charlie
Show: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Logline: A couple of self-centered friends open a bar but their story takes a backseat to the show’s real star: Charlie Day.
Why He Ranks: If it weren’t for all his gaping flaws, Charlie would probably rank #1 or #2. What we love about Charlie is that Charlie does whatever he damn well pleases. If he wants to huff paint and write songs about getting R’d in the night a by the “night man,” well then gosh darnit he gonna do. (And inspire drunk white people to chant that song whenever given the chance) The man is just utterly shameless. And brilliant. A combination that all men should be. His only drawback… a man should come equipped with a filter. Well… maybe not. Oh, a man should also be literate.
His Lesson: A manly man should be spontaneous and do what he please.
# 6
Mantor: Kiefer Sutherland
Show: 24
Logline: The coolest alcoholic of them all pretends to be a government agent working to foil terrorist plots.
Why He Ranks: “Wait, Naaman. Kiefer’s not the name of the character. You must mean Jack Bauer.” Shut up. I mean Kiefer. Because Jack Bauer is a pussy. He gets all butt-hurt about some guy killing his wife, he can’t raise his daughter without constantly putting her in harm’s way, and he lets innocent people die all the time. Plus, after season two he’s a junky. What a tool. But Kiefer… oh sweet honey Kiefer. No, he’s not fictional. But – in his defense – he’s quite the character.
His Lesson: A manly man can in fact balance his job and his dependence on liquor.
#5
Mantor: Jack Bauer
Show: 24
Logline: The nation’s #1 badass fucks shit up for bad guys.
Why He Ranks: Because Jack Bauer is the farthest thing from a pussy in the whole world. He has no regard for the rules. He just gets shit done. He will kill whomever needs killing, shoot whatever needs shooting, and fuuuuuuck whatever holes need to be pleasantly fulfilled in a caring, loving manner.
His Lesson: A manly man should disregard regulations in favor of results.
#4
Mantor: Johnny Drama
Show: Entourage
Logline: A talent-less actor, the brother of a mildly talented actor stumbles through life. He may or may not be mildly retarded.
Why He Ranks: It takes a strong man to constantly live in the shadow of his, talent-less and ugly baby brother and yet still be so goddamn fucking entertaining. This guy’s dick has got to be SO big. Because let’s face it… he NEVER tries to overcompensate and he always gives his brother the (undeserved) support he desires.
His Lesson: A manly man don’t need to shine. He need only be hilarious.
#3
Mantor: Chuck Bass
Show: Gossip Girl
Logline: Strong enough for a girl, but only watched by men.
Why He Ranks: HE WEARS ROBES AND/OR SWEATER VESTS IN ALMOST EVERY SCENE. Amazing. Even the hardest work (fucking up other people’s lives) can be done without sacrificing comfort. Light up a Cuban, pour some scotch, and destroy your loved ones… all from the comfort of your chaise lounge. Your name must be Chuck. Chuck Bass.
His Lesson: A manly man always goes two-ply or above when it comes to his dirty work.
#2
Mantor: Lt. Ronald C. Speirs
Show: Band of Brothers
Logline: USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!
Why He Ranks: This motherfucker in unstoppable. When we first really meet him, he’s offering a pack of ciggies to some Nazi prisoners and we’re all like “WTF? Dems is Nazis! Whachu doin?!” But then – he mows them all down with like a bazillion bullets. And later, he darts across a battlefield – bullets whizzing by his face, rockets exploding, tanks blowing shit up – unscathed. THEN – HE RUNS BACK ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD! The man secretes testosterone.
His Lesson: A manly man should wear his balls not on his sleeve, but directly on his forehead.
#1
Mantor: Denny Crane, James R. Tiberius Kirk, Walter H. Bascom, Sgt. T.J. Hooker….etc…..
Show: The William Shatner Experience
Logline: Listen to me talk, watch me walk, lets do this. Denny Crane.
Why He Ranks: He is the single most iconic television actor ever. He’s a man. Two and two makes four. Done and done.
Other reasons: He killed aliens for the better part of his career, fought and locked up evil doers, simply utters his name and wins supreme court cases, and boned down with Murphy Brown.
His Lesson: Make them love you once and they will ask for more. Make them love you twice and they will remember you. Make them love you three times, you can record a spoken word album. Make them love you four times you can do whatever the hell you want. Denny Crane.
