The Middlest Child

After the training montage had ended, Jared sat exhausted, physically and mathematically. He was tired of his life in one day taking twist after twist, he was tired of questioning his sexuality, he was tired of Bravo’s programming, but most of all he was tired of lame unimaginative penis jokes.

“Fuck this! I can’t do it! I’m not The One Dale-dad! What I am even supposed to be ‘the one’ of?”

Dale looked away, hoping that he wouldn’t have to tell him so soon. “Son, prepare yourself for this. I know this isn’t easy.” He sighed, lowering his head under the gravity of the words he was about to speak.

“You were sent here to save the world….from Global Warming.”

Jared blinked. His father looked up. Jared waited. Blink.

“That’s it? I’m here to solve Global Warming.”

“Son, don’t take this lightly. It’s a very serious issue that affects all of us. Haven’t you seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth’?”

“Yes, I’ve seen ‘An Inconvenient Truth!’ I just thought I would have to save the human race from some evil immortal sorcerer hell-bent on consuming the souls of the weak and innocent or something like that.”

“But you’re a vampire. You aren’t technically part of the human race. Plus how do you destroy something that is immortal?”

“I don’t know! I was just giving an example!”

“Well son, words are the only form of communication we have that allows to really express what we truly mean with some element of objectivity so you should-”

“Will you shutup about the sorcerer example! I don’t give a shit!”

“This is not the way I raised you, Jared.”

“I met you 15 minutes ago.”

Jared sighed. Of course he would go on to solve global warming. He wasn’t about to disappoint his father the first day meeting him. That was something that sons have to earn, years later, after getting a degree in English from an expensive private university for which their fathers had postpone retirement a decade to be able to afford to send them there.

Jared would always be remembered as one of the most important humanitarians of his time, who also happened to be one of the shittiest vampires in ancient lore. And possibly a closet homosexual.

The End.

By Kari G.

I know what some of you are saying. You’re sitting there, eyes glued to themiddlestchild.com, yelling out loud: “It’s been more than a week, a-holes!” Well, you see, I never specified that a new douchebag would be revealed every week. Also, I believe that more than the average amount of time is needed to really realize how big of a douche Pete Wentz is. This brings me to my next douchebagging baby. What? Baby? Yeah, you heard me. None other than baby Suri Cruise. The little d-bag has been popping her head around town like she owns the place, and something finally needs to be said. Behold, the top reasons why baby Suri received an asbestos-flavored lollipop from us for excelling in the field of douchebaggery.

1. Her name. So why would the baby of TomKat choose a name like Suri? And yes, I believe Suri can take full responsibility for the choosing of her name, as she is arguably the most powerful scientologist creation on earth. As it turns out, “Suri” is a breed of Alpaca (like a llama) from South America that are known to be good jumpers. What does this mean? D-bag Suri is comparing herself to the one animal that loves to spit in people’s faces. And that’s just what she’s going to do. Spit into the faces of the American public until her Alpaca mucus covers the world in scientologist debris. Anyone who wants you to know by name introduction that they are bred to jump high enough to spit in your face is a douchebag in my book. Also, Suri means “pickpocket” in Japanese.

2. She’s a clone. Perhaps not in the literal sense, but baby Suri looks identical to Katie Holmes, which leads me to wonder if the asexual Katie had the baby all on her own, while her closet homosexual husband just stood by and smiled maniacally. Thanks, Suri, for giving your mother a mini-me. Just when I thought I was safe from having to look at Katie Holmes’ face, you turn out looking just like her. Dammit, Suri. If you at least took the shape of your “father” you might have been less distracting to the eye. I say “take the shape” because somewhere in scientology doctrine, one assumes, it states that newborns can shape-shift into the form they so choose.

3. The silent birth. As most of you know, Katie Holmes performed scientology’s traditional silent birth when she had Suri the Llama. I felt both shock and a wave of laughter come over me as I heard that someone actually went through with this, and I assume L. Ron Hubbard had a similar reaction. Katie was able to do this because baby Suri didn’t even put up a fight. She had the chance to claw her way out of that snatch and hit Katie where the sun most definitely doesn’t shine. Not only would this simple act of violence towards Katie have given her what she deserved for her sub-par performance in Batman Begins*, it would’ve forced Tom Cruise to drop Holmes for not living up to scientology standards. Thus, baby Suri had the potential to bring down scientology’s biggest power duo and free people like Beck and Jason Lee from its clutches.

*See: all of her other movies.

4. She flaunts her dough. Recently, Katie and Suri were spotted on the way to a studio in Los Angeles. It seems like a normal photo, as you can see here, on first glance. However, you may notice that Suri is holding something that looks like a hundred dollar bill. Oh, wait. It is. What a greedy little douchebag. Like we don’t know that she’s well off already, baby Suri has to throw her green in front of the cameras like she’s in a rap video. After some research, it turns out that the bill she was flaunting was a fake, which makes it even worse. The stingy baby wanted us to know that she had money, but bated us in with a counterfeit product to assure that anyone who stole it wouldn’t be able to spend it. Clever, but definitely d-bag material coming from the rich infant.

5. She’s fueling the train. What train, you ask? The crazy train. Or should I say, “Cruise-ey train.” In a recent article from MSNBC, it was reported that Tom Cruise’s behavior has been exceptionally strange lately, growing increasingly paranoid and accusing people of following him. MSNBC’s team of Tom Cruise experts attribute this to scientology’s “engrams” and how these “noise distractions” are eternally damaging to a child’s psyche. Or something weird like that. The article concludes with Cruise stating he wants to create a “quiet cocoon” for his daughter. So she may burst out years later as a middle-aged mute with very sensitive ears.

6. Selma Blair. On a recent episode of the Regis and Kelly show, actress Selma Blair sported a new haircut, stating that it was a “baby Suri haircut.” Though taken as a meaningless joke by the studio audience, I see darkness on the horizon. It’s only a matter of time before Selma Blair is modeling her life after the douchebagging ways of baby Suri, in turn transforming herself from a likeable actress into a fucking Alpaca. Stay away from the light of her glowing infant eyes, Selma Blair. Stay away.

7. Lack of bravery. Also taken as common knowledge of the Suri birth, is the fact that Tom Cruise ate the placenta. In case no one knows, the placenta is what shoots out of the vagina after the baby, and is literally the bloody baby-sack that housed Suri for 9 months. What applies to Suri is the fact that she didn’t have the guts to pull at least a practical joke on Tom for the rest of the world. All attempts to poison the placenta aside, the least Suri could’ve done is defecate right before exiting the vag (pronounced “va-juh”). Then, maybe Tom would’ve got what he deserved for the “Oprah” incident. Or the “marrying Katie Holmes” incident. Grow some, baby Suri.

There you have it, dear readers, the top reasons why baby Suri deserves to follow the notorious Pete Wentz on the Douchebag of the Week list. I hope some of this list can open your eyes to the fact that douchebaggery is not only found in adults, but in infant forms also. Do well to protect yourself from douchey behavior by staying away from all babies that exhibit Suri-like behavior. Good luck to all of you.

If you saw me walking down the street I know you would think that I probably have it all, and you would be pretty close to being correct. The trust fund that Mommy and Daddy dearest set up all those years ago has only increased due to the wise investing of Winchell St. Clair my portfolio manager. Heck, I could buy the island of Haiti twice over, and I just might do that so I can throw some serious, serious parties.

Sure I’m 6’4, sculpted and half white, half black. Do you know how perfect that is? Applying to college, check the minority box. Applying for a job, check the white box. Lets just say that things have a way of working out for me with the utmost ease.

Big dick? How about perfect sized. Not a gargantuan 10’ where one is left feeling like they had sex with a traffic cone, but certainly not an average forgettable 6. Ha, that would be so ridiculous.

So ya, my life is pretty perfect. Except for one area. I have been diagnosed with a severe case of attention deficit disorder. When I was a kid, it meant I couldn’t sit still during our class lesson on dinosaurs, or that time we had painting and I went Jackson Pollock on the entire class room, and my personal favorite that time when the local police officer came in to quiz us on our addresses in a case of an emergency I always responded with a “your house.”

Yet, now it only means that I cannot enjoy fellatio. When I wake up and you’re suckin my perfectly sized dick I think so myself “Watcha doin suckin my dick? Don’t you know I’m going to loose focus woman?”

I just can’t handle it. Me sitting there. You fellateing me. Sure you’re all busy focusing on a task at hand. But what about me! What am I supposed to do?! Just sit back and relax? Well I can’t do that. Half the time I end up going soft in your cheek and then one of two things happens. You get all upset because you think your bad at pleasing a man with your mouth. (Which may or may not be the case I wouldn’t know)

OR.

You call me gay.

What the fuck ladies. It’s not my fault you can’t please me. Why don’t you blame my chemical imbalance. Ya make fun of my disability, and why you’re at it next time you see a kid in a wheel chair put a metal rod in his spokes.

I’ve tried everything to keep myself erect and semen in your mouth. Or wherever you want me to cause I’m respectable like that.

Guys, have you ever tried to do a Rubik’s cube while a lady is going downtown? And, actually solved the cube? Ya, I have, right before I went completely limp. (But I still felt like a winner)

I asked my doctor about this and all he has to say is that I should try my hardest to simply focus on the sensation that I’m feeling.

Tried that.

Went like this…

Oh man. This could work. This shit is fucking insane. Oh, good God. I’m totally going to blow all in her mouth. Oh…should I ask her first if I can? Do I tell her when and just gauge her reaction? Shit, I’m not prepared for this….Fuck that’s good….You know who would know the answer to this…Yahoo Answers…God damn I love the internet…I wonder if McSweeney’s made a new post. I heard John Stewart sometimes writes for them, and how good is “The Daily show” Stephen Colbert is fantastic. I really liked him in….

Limp.

Story of my penis in mouth life.

So next time you see a filthy rich, 6’4, beautiful, sculpted, athletic, half white, half black, perfectly sized penis man walking down the street and you think to your self “I would trade places with him in a second. He must have it all.”

Remember, if that person were I, I would rather be a homeless, wheel-chaired, small dicked, midget, if it meant I could cum in your mouth.

By: Kari G.

After Madeline wandered around Paris as a small child, she disappeared off the literary map. Here’s where she’s been:

Part One

In an old box in Paris that was covered with grime,
Lived twelve filthy bums and a struggling mime.
They drank themselves to death on wine…
The drunkest one was Madeline!

The stinky booze did cloud up her head,
Until she awoke in a stranger’s crusty bed.
Her blue-buttoned coat was infected with staph…
From her romps in dark alleys for a buck and a half.

Though her childhood friends only mused over crepes,
Her “suitors” now confirm that the rug matches the drapes.
Even the unkempt man near the Circle K…
Traded Madeline crack for a roll in the hay.

The old Miss Clavel would’ve hated drug addiction,
But she’s stuck on a cot with an Alzheimer’s affliction.
With no one there to tell her no…
Madeline sold her body for an ounce of blow.

Even her poor dog Genevieve couldn’t lend a paw,
For she was hit by a truck as witnesses saw.
With all this turmoil, loss and death…
Madeline had no choice but to turn to meth.

As Madeline lay awake in her dingy old box,
Wasted and hiding her drugs in her socks,
She wondered what happened to her friends from school…
And if they too slept in urine and drool.

By: Dres F.C.

You twist and turn thinking to yourself, “Self, if I wanted to get railed by Genghis Kahn right now how much would that cost?” Or, “Self, I wonder what kind of wine Rasputin would order before we went back to my place for a session of crazy mystic sex?” Well the answers to completely natural questions like those and many, many, more can be found below. They will most likely leave you scared but aroused and willing to shell out straight cash homey.

A night with Genghis Kahn

Perhaps the best thing about going out with a man that committed his first murder at the age of 13 is just that. The man knows how to protect his woman. Really I don’t think anyone would come up and start some shit with a man that carries this as an accessory. You could be dating a guy that carries a Swiss army knife on his key chain which is cool if you want him to be able to fix your glasses with that tiny screw driver, but if you fear for your safety that little bitch multi-tool just ain’t decapitating anyone with any kind of ease. Now THAT’S peace of mind.

The Date

This bitch is prompt as a motha fucka. Genghis does not stand for lateness so when he says he going to roll up on his steed at 8 you best be ready. For God’s sake please be ready.

My man Genghis would most likely take you out for a very intimate dinner in his tent. You, him, and some yak skin rugs. He would lay out the finest pillows for you two to sit on. Enjoy a full course meal with lots, and lots of drinking of the finest Mongolian brew.

Here’s the thing, if you choose Genghis you are saying you want to get sexed up right quick cause the man only knows one mode: Go time. In addition to his wife Borte, he had thousands of women he donated to. Really, not fucking with you but according to the American Journal of Human Genetics 1 out of every 200 males on earth today can trace his genes back to Genghis. Apparently this man was either killing or fucking. And since the life span back then was like 35, eating and shit, had to be done at the same time as one of those two activities. When asked about his favorite things to do Genghis said “The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.” Yep, peace of mind.

Cost of the date:

Chances are if Genghis inquired about you, you didn’t have a say in the matter, but since you would be employing him and he clearly does not have the adequate skills to wine and dine a lady I’m guessing he’s a cheap date. $ = $50 and some self respect.

Is it worth it:

So you get the greatest lover of all time. He’s had sex like a gillion times so you know he’s not going to loose sight of the clit at hand. But, he’s all about himself. His idea of foreplay is probably having you comb his beard while he chows down on a goat leg and touches him self. So, really it depends. If you’re on a budget, Gehghis Kahn is your man.

A night with Rasputin

Unlike Genghis he’s not wielding an insane sword that will end anyone’s life. Yet, if you like your men powerful, loquacious, and have the ability to make you float while you reach orgasm vote Rasputin in ’08. (Paid for by the Rasputin council of crazy fucking shit)

The Date:

Don’t be surprised if you have to get on Rasputin’s level just as you begin your date. This man knows how to fucking party and loves his booze. If I know Rasputin as well as I think I do, he will take you out for a beautiful dinner on the shores of St. Petersburg. He will talk your ear off for hours telling you about himself, and helping you believe in the healing power or God. He would then take you to his church where he would show you this power. Except the man is of the religious sect called the Khlysty. So by “shows you his healing power,” he means giant fucking orgy. It would involve his followers, his children, and anyone who is down for a circle jerk. There is a reason that he got stabbed by the second in command of the Rasputin survivor support group in 1914. Last one to go has to eat the bread!

Cost of the date:

This is an expensive date due to all of the boozing and narcotics you two would be partaking in. Raspy is a known alcoholic, but in addition to that, after he survived a stabbing in which his entrails fell out and STILL survived he became addicted to opium. So the man is getting his smoke and drink on in copious, copious amounts. If you’re still grasping at straws as to how much damage you would do to your body on this date the man survived ANOTHER attempt on his life when he ingested enough cyanide to kill 5 men and could still fly a plane afterward. Get on his level.

Rasputin talked his way into the Czar’s house when he was associated with the Khlytsy which was a banned group in Russia. So even if you started the date apprehensive by the end you are going to be willingly naked which is more than you can say for Genghis. The chivalry mixed with the alcohol, drugs, fancy dinner, length of date, and the fact that I essentially being Rasputin’s pimp need to make a profit you are looking at a cool $ = 3,000.

Is it worth it:

If you are into to freaky ass shit, a little mystic healing, able to compromise your morals, and love drugs and alcohol this date is worth every penny.

A night with Cleopatra

Pimping is about making money but if a man decides to go with Cleopatra he must be warned that there is a decent to good chance that he will regret it in the long run. She is high-risk high reward. The sex will most likely be the greatest thing you’ve ever had but you may also end up dead by snakebite or a womens scorn. Other than that have a fantastic date!

The Date:

Your Sunday’s best isn’t fancy enough. You need to come straight adorned with gold hanging from every part of your body. More or less exactly like this. You will be dining in the Pharaoh’s dining room. After a dinner experience that lasts close to 4 hours it’s time for bed.

Clearly this is the greatest part of the date. She is like Batman except different in everyway. She will not sodomize you but will most certainly let you think you are in control and then dominate your ass and demand to be on top. She is a powerful woman who won control of Egypt. If you’re a bottoms man you will have a few things besides your mind blown. (I’m talking about your load.)

You also know she will appreciate you more than her normal sex life seeing how she would be taking break from sex with her brother. Totally normal.

Cost of the date:

Oh man you better be able to throw down cash like a sultan for this one. She once bet husband Marc Anthony that she couldn’t spend 10,000 sesterces in one dinner. With inflation the way its gone since 34 B.C. that’s probably the equivalent to the entire state of Louisiana before Katrina.

She sure as hell did win that bet too. She set an extremely bland dinner to throw Antony off then had a goblet of the strongest vinegar she could muster brought to the table and dropped her pearl earrings into them. They dissolved and she drank it. Badass as hell and a sense of humor. $ = 759,000.34

Is it Worth It:

She is the Pharaoh so if you are into powerful women who could have you killed but wouldn’t mind doing it themselves sign up. It would be like purchasing Hillary Clinton if she won the election and could actually give you an erection.

On the negative she is the epitome of a Jezebel. She tested poisons on people just to figure out their effect soooo I guess that like a scientist? She also is not one to forgive and forget. She got all womens scorn on Rome when the tried to take that shit over and unite the entire east against them. She did this so she could be called “Empress of the world.” There you have it a real life empress riding you to the break of day. High risk high reward.

A night with Batman (Not Bruce Wayne: Very important)

The man is wicked repressed so don’t expect him to open up to you, but what he will do is fulfill every scary sex fantasy you’ve ever imagined. Ever get down in a cave with bats landing on your bare back while getting taken on a ride to orgasm town? Batman, for the person that likes a dangerous man.

The Date:

You have to remember this is Batman. Not Bruce Wayne. There is no cross over. Most likely Batman would dress your ass up in a costume; he doesn’t want to even know what you look like so you can forget the exchange of pleasantries. That’s how this S&M bastard rolls. You would wear….Mask? Check. Cape? Check. Hidden Identity? Check. Utility belt filled with anus beads and Neosporin for afterward? Double Check.

So after dressing you up to the twisted Batman standards he would roll up in the Batmobile at like midnight, and from there you two would rid Gotham of gang members, miscreants, drug dealers, the homeless, dogs with rabies, and dumpster babies. Little known fact but The Bat HATES dumpster babies. But, then again don’t we all?

The reasoning behind all this violence is Batman gets off to it and the girl that does purchase a night with him better be able to drop a bitch off a roof top and then quiver with wetness. If you don’t think you can be this girl don’t purchase this beast.

Cost of the Date:

We would provide the needed costume in order to tickle the Bats fancy, plus gas for the Batmobile, food, and the needed medical insurance that you will most likely use unless you are a punishment lover veteran… you are looking at $ = 6,000

Is it worth it:

He’s fucking Batman. You would be fucking Batman. That’s every girls and boys dream. If you can be sexually stimulated from kicking ass and taking an ass kicking this is your type of shit. If you love the feel of polyurethane against your skin this is your shit. If you love dark and seedy hook-ups this is your shit.

Lastly, I didn’t mention this earlier because I didn’t want to scare anyone away, but your costume would be a Joker outfit and you would then be taking it from behind. What can I say, some people just can’t get over the past.

Really, pimpin’ aint easy. But at The Middlest Child we will carry that burden for your pleasure. For the right price of course. Imagine you could be dining with Batman atop a roof…

You
I love the twinkle of the stars at night.

Batman says nothing.

You
What do you think Bat’s?

Batman
Swear to me!

You
What? I’m confused.

Batman
I am Batman!

You
What the fuck Bats? You’re scaring me.

You then cuddle up to him and try to touch him arousingly. He does not become erect.

You
What’s wrong my dark knight?

Batman
Let me dangle you off the roof for like 10.

You
Well… I’m not so sure—

CHOKE. GARGLE. GASP

Batman
Oh ya right there.

The following is written by a Middlest Child acquaintance. We once promised him he could write this article and we would post it. Then we actually read it. It is really how do we say…not P.C. and rather pig headed. I know the person that wrote this doesn’t believe the things he wrote, he is just a very, very, ….very, angry person. So we here at T.M.C. must start this off by saying the thoughts and opinions portrayed by the author in this article do NOT reflect the thoughts and opinions of ANYONE at T.M.C. (And nor should it anyone because then you would most likely be in jail where you would belong.

By: Naaman Fletcher, B.A.

I’ve decided we need some good male role models to give us a swift kick in the grundle and remind us what kind of men we should be. We need role models to keep us from lotioning our hands for anything other than the great Olympic sport of pole tugging in manly circles of three to four close manly friends. So, feast upon this list of man-mentors. Mantors, if you will. And God knows you should.

# 7

Mantor: Charlie

Show: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Logline: A couple of self-centered friends open a bar but their story takes a backseat to the show’s real star: Charlie Day.

Why He Ranks: If it weren’t for all his gaping flaws, Charlie would probably rank #1 or #2. What we love about Charlie is that Charlie does whatever he damn well pleases. If he wants to huff paint and write songs about getting R’d in the night a by the “night man,” well then gosh darnit he gonna do. (And inspire drunk white people to chant that song whenever given the chance) The man is just utterly shameless. And brilliant. A combination that all men should be. His only drawback… a man should come equipped with a filter. Well… maybe not. Oh, a man should also be literate.

His Lesson: A manly man should be spontaneous and do what he please.

# 6

Mantor: Kiefer Sutherland

Show: 24

Logline: The coolest alcoholic of them all pretends to be a government agent working to foil terrorist plots.

Why He Ranks: “Wait, Naaman. Kiefer’s not the name of the character. You must mean Jack Bauer.” Shut up. I mean Kiefer. Because Jack Bauer is a pussy. He gets all butt-hurt about some guy killing his wife, he can’t raise his daughter without constantly putting her in harm’s way, and he lets innocent people die all the time. Plus, after season two he’s a junky. What a tool. But Kiefer… oh sweet honey Kiefer. No, he’s not fictional. But – in his defense – he’s quite the character.

His Lesson: A manly man can in fact balance his job and his dependence on liquor.

#5

Mantor: Jack Bauer

Show: 24

Logline: The nation’s #1 badass fucks shit up for bad guys.

Why He Ranks: Because Jack Bauer is the farthest thing from a pussy in the whole world. He has no regard for the rules. He just gets shit done. He will kill whomever needs killing, shoot whatever needs shooting, and fuuuuuuck whatever holes need to be pleasantly fulfilled in a caring, loving manner.

His Lesson: A manly man should disregard regulations in favor of results.

#4
Mantor: Johnny Drama

Show: Entourage

Logline: A talent-less actor, the brother of a mildly talented actor stumbles through life. He may or may not be mildly retarded.

Why He Ranks: It takes a strong man to constantly live in the shadow of his, talent-less and ugly baby brother and yet still be so goddamn fucking entertaining. This guy’s dick has got to be SO big. Because let’s face it… he NEVER tries to overcompensate and he always gives his brother the (undeserved) support he desires.

His Lesson: A manly man don’t need to shine. He need only be hilarious.

#3
Mantor: Chuck Bass

Show: Gossip Girl

Logline: Strong enough for a girl, but only watched by men.

Why He Ranks: HE WEARS ROBES AND/OR SWEATER VESTS IN ALMOST EVERY SCENE. Amazing. Even the hardest work (fucking up other people’s lives) can be done without sacrificing comfort. Light up a Cuban, pour some scotch, and destroy your loved ones… all from the comfort of your chaise lounge. Your name must be Chuck. Chuck Bass.

His Lesson: A manly man always goes two-ply or above when it comes to his dirty work.

#2

Mantor: Lt. Ronald C. Speirs

Show: Band of Brothers

Logline: USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

Why He Ranks: This motherfucker in unstoppable. When we first really meet him, he’s offering a pack of ciggies to some Nazi prisoners and we’re all like “WTF? Dems is Nazis! Whachu doin?!” But then – he mows them all down with like a bazillion bullets. And later, he darts across a battlefield – bullets whizzing by his face, rockets exploding, tanks blowing shit up – unscathed. THEN – HE RUNS BACK ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD! The man secretes testosterone.

His Lesson: A manly man should wear his balls not on his sleeve, but directly on his forehead.

#1

Mantor: Denny Crane, James R. Tiberius Kirk, Walter H. Bascom, Sgt. T.J. Hooker….etc…..

Show: The William Shatner Experience

Logline: Listen to me talk, watch me walk, lets do this. Denny Crane.

Why He Ranks: He is the single most iconic television actor ever. He’s a man. Two and two makes four. Done and done.

Other reasons: He killed aliens for the better part of his career, fought and locked up evil doers, simply utters his name and wins supreme court cases, and boned down with Murphy Brown.

His Lesson: Make them love you once and they will ask for more. Make them love you twice and they will remember you. Make them love you three times, you can record a spoken word album. Make them love you four times you can do whatever the hell you want. Denny Crane.

Tagline Reads: Dalton lives like a loner. Fights like a professional. Loves like there is no tomorrow.

On another still unemployed night 5 roommates were bored and decided to have a family movie night. Andrew decided to pop in his most recent NetFlix rental. Roadhouse. Dres and Graham were the Roadhouse veterans. John a patron, and Andrew a complete Roadhouse virgin. These are their musings.

DVD Menu: Patrick Swayze looks so hard right now. Arms crossed, feathered bangs mixed with a quaf (the first and only ever on record), the Double Deuce in the background nothing looked so glorious. Im half expecting him to jump out of the screen and put me in a head lock. Which I or any real person would not only accept but love.

4:14: – Swayze is stitching up own freshly knifed arm.

Graham: He’s more intense than Twan(Trapped in the Closet) “All I need is a bathroom”

- Both of these are two American Film classics. Just ask R. Kelly. He’ll tell you how great Trapped in the closet is…infront of a big screen showing of his own movie….while smoking a cigar…ya…

General Note: What a brilliant idea for a film. I mean besides a war film is there anything more American? (Minus his BMW) Swayze is basically a “modern” day cowboy. His only weapons, completely make shift. His only possession, his ideals. He hops from town to town cleaning up scum. Leaving blood and destroyed vaginas in his wake. You can just hear it now “Thissssssss is Ouuuuuuuurrrrr Couuuuuntryyyyyy!!!!!”

12:39: A bottle is thrown at a band and no ones gets in trouble at all.

Graham: “This is the kind of place I want to hang out in. Throw a bottle at a band and not even get in trouble” – Yes These are my friends.

14:03 Graham has a realization about how much he loves this movie.

Andrew: “You know what this movie is better than? Tombstone.”

– I have to very much disagree. And so would Doc Holiday.

14:53: Bar woman offers a touch of her breast for $20. Fuck you inflation.

- Jared(5th roommate comes down) “Does anyone else realize that this movie is basically Footloose but with an ass-kicking….I’m not saying that’s bad.”

23:00 His shirt wants to be a turtle neck. But won’t commit.

25:00(ish) -I love his Zen speech. Coaching all the bouncers.

- Swayze: “Someone calls you a cock-sucker. I want you to be nice”

- This man was so zen before Phil jackson even made it popular. Can you see it, Phil Jackson quoting Roadhouse before the 1993 finals, and Paxson getting so pumped up he basically had no choice but to drill that game winning shot. Thank you Swayze for giving us the Bulls dynasty and 72 wins in a single season.

Graham: “He’s so philosophical. I love him when he’s philosophical.”

Andrew: “Drink every-time he’s philosophical.”

CLINK!

(They are drinking Whiskey and Coke. Come back later for the 1st and original Road House drinking game)

31:14 Shameless ass shot of Swayze. Nothing but bare ass in the frame. Majestic in widescreen.

35:27: Sweaty, shirtless Swayze showing he is before the times practicing the ancient art of tai-chi by the river. Though is it so ahead of its time popular curve? I think David Caradine would have something to say about this.

38:49: Realization kicks in. Fucker gets stabbed all the damn time.

38:52: Sack punch to the overweight guy.

Graham: “Nothing sadder than sack punch to a defenseless fat man in suspenders”

40:13: Swayze: “Pain don’t hurt.” Analysis = FUCK.

45:46: My roommates focus has now shifted 60-40 in favor of drinking. That was much shorter than anticipated.

50:17: Roommate John makes perhaps the most observant comment of the entire night so far.

John: :The girl is the love child of Laura Dern and Daryl Hannah”

- Damn is that accurate.

54:19 Graham is completely convinced that the guy in the blue is Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. We will look into it. Verdict at the end.

1:00:01: More proof that Swayze is ahead of his time. Home boy lives in a trendy loft. Be it is in a barn but I can overlook the smell of manure to be cutting edge like that.

1:02:51: NO kissing has happened yet, but the unbuckling of the pants and the lifting of the skit commences. This man knows what he wants and isn’t going to let some silly thing like “fore-play” or “permission” stand in his way.

-Moments later. A kiss on the neck, and she is pressed against the wall, lifted, enjoying the business Swayze is giving.

- Andrew: ” I swear it seems that all this man wants to do is fuck and beat ass.” He has now captured the subtle essence of the film.

1:09:00(ish) the appearance of Sam “Wise” Elliott. “I sure as ain’t gonna show you my dick” Even at 50 this man drops wisdom like he does bitches with a haymaker.

1:16:50 Swayze runs TOWARD a completely flame engulfed building. Not sure what he was running toward but I’m sure it was well worth his life. Because the man doesn’t feel pain he could probably walk through the flames and walk out the other side with nothing more than severe 3rd degree burns which would kill him moments later. . . but he wouldn’t feel anything.

1:21:18: Sam Elliot is spotted wearing the same haircut as David Beckham in the last world-cup. The samurai looking one pulled back with the pony tail thing in the top back of the head. I knew that metro brit was completely unoriginal. Though not to be outdone he added a second tail to his pony.

1:25:28: A monster truck goes through an entire car dealership. Wow this guy really spares no expense in being a dick. Forget the complex story telling of blurring the lines of good and bad. Roadhouse throws those conventions to the wind and goes straight for the black and white. No gray area in the american flag.

1:30:22 Swayze junks the entire audience. Sweat pants and maybe a little bone? Half wood? Either-way the man is seriously junking some people.

Roommates are drunk. Just had a 10 minute conversation of how good the Wonder Years was.

Also …Graham: “I love how the 80’s was so into Karate””

Andrew: “Thats cause their so into coke.”

- Ummmm…???

1:33:33: Bad guy: “I use to fuck guys like you in prison” I can see it now the director. Nudity? Check. Foul Language? Check. Ass Kicking? Check. Blatant racial stereotype? Check.(Black guy in the first 5 minutes.)Shit getting blown up? Check. Completely unnecessary erotic homosexual reference? Check. Ahh we now have a complete film.

Roadhouse, covering all it’s demographics.

1:34:33: SWAYZE RIPS OUT A THROAT!!!! Literally he ripped out a mans throat. God. Damn.

If I could wish for a way to die on film, with Swayze, it would have to be having my throat ripped out. That guy probably has that scene on loop the moment you step foot into his house.

General Thought: Why don’t they make films like this anymore. I’m sick of “thinking” through my films. Sometimes you just want some straight forward sex and violence. Both should be completely senseless.

1:39:50 Swayze is brought to tears by the death of his best friend. Showing his entire range of emotion he is clearly as method as method acting gets.

1:43:00(ish) Apparently Swayze has the ability to appear from thin air.

1:44:18: Fat guy with suspenders is owned by a falling stuffed polar bear. If this movie was a TV show it would have jumped the shark at the menu screen so I’ll buy the polar bear.

Credits.

Final Feelings: Re-watching this movie for the tenth time I realized a few things. This is one of those movies that falls into the category of if its on TV and you stumble across it, you most likely have to stop what you were watching and watch the movie instead. (like Independence Day) The movie was also ahead of its time. Like great art it can only be appreciated years, years, later. Perhaps even after the artists death. We shall see.

PS: That was certainly not the same actor as Buffalo Bill from Silence from the lambs.