Surprisingly, not every candidate on the ballot is looking to privatize social security and gather as may nuclear weapons as possible. But one is, ladies and gentlemen: John McCain. So, in honor of my newfound love, I present the top ten reasons to vote for him in November (in descending order).
10. His name. John Sidney McCain. America has seen a fair share of notable Johns, and McCain would be a proud addition to such a list, including: John Adams, John Hancock, John Stamos, John Wilkes Booth, Jon Bon Jovi…and let’s not forget John Smith, the lovable American that brought the power and success of democracy to Pocahontas’ accepting village. John’s last name, McCain, stands like a bold rock on the page, and has the McCorporate power prefix like that of the All-American cheeseburger. His name might as well be McAmerica. McCain’s competition is futile, as his first name rhymes with Iraq (Barack), and he shares his middle name with Saddam (Hussein). That’s a double-whammy. Did I mention his last name is strikingly similar to Osama? Triple whammy. That’s the most un-American name I’ve ever heard of.
9. John McCain doesn’t know how to use a computer. In an interview with Yahoo News, McCain was asked if he used “a Mac or a PC,” to which he responded triumphantly with, “I am an illiterate who relies on my wife to handle everything like that.” Bravo, John. It’s about time we as Americans did away with all this “technological” nonsense and moved towards the good old days, back when you wrote information on clay tablets and were struck with a ruler for bad posture or for not poking fun at a minority. Remember those days, John? It’s not like computers have anything to do with being in charge of nuclear weapons, right?
8. McCain’s not interested in social issues. He bluntly quoted, “It’s not the social issues I care about,” and couldn’t be more enlightening. Who cares about civil rights? Who cares about the people? Not America, that’s for damn sure. If there’s one thing America stands for, it’s democracy (see: imperialism). As long as McCain’s in office, we’ll be too preoccupied with the important issues like national security to worry about little “social issues.”
7. McCain doesn’t understand economics. He quotes, “The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should.” Ain’t that the truth. I’ve never been the best at balancing my checkbook, and it’s just a myth concocted by the Democrats that our economy is in the gutter. As long as those tax cuts keep digging into the working class, I’m home free! Plus, economics isn’t that important of an issue (see Reason 8 for details).
6. He has a great sense of humor. At a National Rifle Association rally, a hilarious joke was made about Senator Barack Obama being assassinated. The joke stated, “That was Barack Obama. He just tripped off a chair. He’s getting ready to speak and someone aimed a gun at him and he fell to the floor.” Actually, that quote didn’t come from McCain, but Senator Mike Huckabee. What a jokester, though! Let’s hope he carries that NRA sense of humor straight into the VP spot!
5. He’s intimidating. Let’s be honest. The greatest quality we need to look for in our next president is how well they’d fair in a staring contest against terrorists. Plural. Well, ladies and gentlemen, McCain strikes fear into the hearts of even the toughest of tough, as a fellow American and Republican Senator quoted, “The thought of him [McCain] being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He’s erratic. He’s hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me.” Fuck yes. That is word for word what we need to hope Bin Laden is saying in his cave in whatever the hell language foreigners speak. Once we get an arsenal of nuclear weapons into the hands of a hot head like McCain, terrorists won’t know what to do (don’t worry, we’d nuke them before they nuked us).
4. McCain knows how to win. When that preppy-boy Matt Lauer asked McCain what a time frame for bringing American soldiers back from Iraq would be, John replied with, “That’s not too important. What’s important is the casualties.” You tell him, John. What does Matt Lauer know about war? It’s obvious that the only thing that matters is death. Families that are whining about their children fighting war across the world will just have to suck it, ‘cause they ain’t dead yet! McCain also stated he’d be perfectly fine with keeping troops in Iraq for 100 years. Why the fuck not, right? I mean, if the people of Iraq didn’t want us there, they probably would’ve told us by now. It’s not that big of a deal, America. It’s only a century.
3. He’s a religious man. Not just that, McCain knows that the real way to succeed as a country is not to acknowledge all those kooky religions that this salad bowl of a country is following, but to focus simply on one: the best one. Unite the people and their beliefs. Mccain says, “The number one issue that is in the selection of the United States [president] is ‘will this person carry on in the Judeo-Christian tradition that has made this Nation the greatest experiment of mankind.”’ Amen. To Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
2. He’s going to bomb the shit out of Iran. McCain is an all-American. He’s a military man, and a POW to be exact. He knows his guns. Therefore, placing the military at the disposal of a bitter war veteran is the best choice for our nation. Researchers could prove, one assumes, that there would be no negative consequences for invading yet another country in the Middle East. If anything, it would only assert our worldly dominance and get those pesky terrorists off our backs. We need to open up the files on Brinkmanship, an idea developed in the Cold War by John Foster Dulles, who told Eisenhower the best way to defend our nation was to use nuclear weapons as a threat and bring war “to the brink.” Hell, Cold War ideals like containment have worked damn well so far. We need to take charge, and McCain can do this. He playfully stated to press, “You know that old Beach Boys song, ‘Bomb Iran?’ ‘Bomb, bomb, bomb…bomb, bomb Iran.’” Ha! That McCain is one hilarious guy! I believe he changed the words to the classic, “Barbara Ann,” but if you ask me we should call up Brian Wilson and the rest of the boys and ask them to change the lyrics. They’re much better that way.
1. He knows how to put a woman in her place. At a public conference, McCain’s wife, Cindy, playfully twirled his hair and stated (annoyingly), “You’re getting a little thin up there.” McCain kept his cool and replied with a subtle, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.” McCain claims it was a “long day,” which I see as fair proof that this behavior will be continued during his long days in the Oval Office. This is good news, America, because we need a strong-willed, masculine president that’s not afraid to tell his woman to make him a sandwich. Because sometimes he’s hungry. And sometimes she’s being a cunt. And America, McCain will not hesitate to throw the c-word into battle against those cowardly terrorists, either.
There you have it, my fellow Americans. The top ten reasons to vote for John Sidney McCain. The facts are here. The quotes have been spoken. I know you may be hesitant because of his age, but let me assure you that his senile behavior will only enhance the bold and immediate responses McCain will provide to threats made to American soil. Think about your safety, America, and vote McCain in November.
