The Middlest Child

Week Two

By Kari G.

I know what some of you are saying. You’re sitting there, eyes glued to themiddlestchild.com, yelling out loud: “It’s been more than a week, a-holes!” Well, you see, I never specified that a new douchebag would be revealed every week. Also, I believe that more than the average amount of time is needed to really realize how big of a douche Pete Wentz is. This brings me to my next douchebagging baby. What? Baby? Yeah, you heard me. None other than baby Suri Cruise. The little d-bag has been popping her head around town like she owns the place, and something finally needs to be said. Behold, the top reasons why baby Suri received an asbestos-flavored lollipop from us for excelling in the field of douchebaggery.

1. Her name. So why would the baby of TomKat choose a name like Suri? And yes, I believe Suri can take full responsibility for the choosing of her name, as she is arguably the most powerful scientologist creation on earth. As it turns out, “Suri” is a breed of Alpaca (like a llama) from South America that are known to be good jumpers. What does this mean? D-bag Suri is comparing herself to the one animal that loves to spit in people’s faces. And that’s just what she’s going to do. Spit into the faces of the American public until her Alpaca mucus covers the world in scientologist debris. Anyone who wants you to know by name introduction that they are bred to jump high enough to spit in your face is a douchebag in my book. Also, Suri means “pickpocket” in Japanese.

2.  She’s a clone. Perhaps not in the literal sense, but baby Suri looks identical to Katie Holmes, which leads me to wonder if the asexual Katie had the baby all on her own, while her closet homosexual husband just stood by and smiled maniacally. Thanks, Suri, for giving your mother a mini-me. Just when I thought I was safe from having to look at Katie Holmes’ face, you turn out looking just like her. Dammit, Suri. If you at least took the shape of your “father” you might have been less distracting to the eye. I say “take the shape” because somewhere in scientology doctrine, one assumes, it states that newborns can shape-shift into the form they so choose.

3. The silent birth. As most of you know, Katie Holmes performed scientology’s traditional silent birth when she had Suri the Llama. I felt both shock and a wave of laughter come over me as I heard that someone actually went through with this, and I assume L. Ron Hubbard had a similar reaction. Katie was able to do this because baby Suri didn’t even put up a fight. She had the chance to claw her way out of that snatch and hit Katie where the sun most definitely doesn’t shine. Not only would this simple act of violence towards Katie have given her what she deserved for her sub-par performance in Batman Begins*, it would’ve forced Tom Cruise to drop Holmes for not living up to scientology standards. Thus, baby Suri had the potential to bring down scientology’s biggest power duo and free people like Beck and Jason Lee from its clutches. 

*See: all of her other movies.

4.  She flaunts her dough. Recently, Katie and Suri were spotted on the way to a studio in Los Angeles. It seems like a normal photo, as you can see here, on first glance. However, you may notice that Suri is holding something that looks like a hundred dollar bill. Oh, wait. It is. What a greedy little douchebag. Like we don’t know that she’s well off already, baby Suri has to throw her green in front of the cameras like she’s in a rap video. After some research, it turns out that the bill she was flaunting was a fake, which makes it even worse. The stingy baby wanted us to know that she had money, but bated us in with a counterfeit product to assure that anyone who stole it wouldn’t be able to spend it. Clever, but definitely d-bag material coming from the rich infant.

5. She’s fueling the train. What train, you ask? The crazy train. Or should I say, “Cruise-ey train.” In a recent article from MSNBC, it was reported that Tom Cruise’s behavior has been exceptionally strange lately, growing increasingly paranoid and accusing people of following him. MSNBC’s team of Tom Cruise experts attribute this to scientology’s “engrams” and how these “noise distractions” are eternally damaging to a child’s psyche. Or something weird like that. The article concludes with Cruise stating he wants to create a “quiet cocoon” for his daughter. So she may burst out years later as a middle-aged mute with very sensitive ears.

6. Selma Blair. On a recent episode of the Regis and Kelly show, actress Selma Blair sported a new haircut, stating that it was a “baby Suri haircut.” Though taken as a meaningless joke by the studio audience, I see darkness on the horizon. It’s only a matter of time before Selma Blair is modeling her life after the douchebagging ways of baby Suri, in turn transforming herself from a likeable actress into a fucking Alpaca. Stay away from the light of her glowing infant eyes, Selma Blair. Stay away.

7. Lack of bravery. Also taken as common knowledge of the Suri birth, is the fact that Tom Cruise ate the placenta. In case no one knows, the placenta is what shoots out of the vagina after the baby, and is literally the bloody baby-sack that housed Suri for 9 months. What applies to Suri is the fact that she didn’t have the guts to pull at least a practical joke on Tom for the rest of the world. All attempts to poison the placenta aside, the least Suri could’ve done is defecate right before exiting the vag (pronounced “va-juh”). Then, maybe Tom would’ve got what he deserved for the “Oprah” incident. Or the “marrying Katie Holmes” incident. Grow some, baby Suri. 

There you have it, dear readers, the top reasons why baby Suri deserves to follow the notorious Pete Wentz on the Douchebag of the Week list. I hope some of this list can open your eyes to the fact that douchebaggery is not only found in adults, but in infant forms also. Do well to protect yourself from douchey behavior by staying away from all babies that exhibit Suri-like behavior. Good luck to all of you.