By Kari G.
As some of you know, two of the four creators of this fine website set off on a majestic journey to San Diego, California about a week ago to attend the prestigious Comic Con. A first timer to this wonderful nerd Mecca, I lovingly embraced (figuratively) the abhorrent costumes and let the dank aroma of 125,000 hygiene-impaired bodies engulf me. Now, a week after the Con has passed, I feel the impact of the trip has set in, and I am able to impart some life lessons on you all. Behold.
1. Comic Con inspires courage. How do I know this? Because my first impression of the experience was on the trolley in San Diego on Thursday morning when an enthusiastic girl sporting fetching fairy wings dared to challenge my love of all things Harry Potter. The fairy princess lured me into her trap with, “I know something about Harry Potter that you don’t know.” Knot grass. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Bubblehead charm. Wattlebird. An encyclopedia of trivia whizzed through my mindgrapes, waiting for the queen’s test. She went with, “I know when the next movie comes out.” All my preparation rocketed out the window of the trolley. I replied with a disappointed, “November 20. I know that too.” In fact, after we arrived, people were standing outside the Convention Center with postcards that literally stated that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was coming out on November 20th. After some deep meditation, I believe it was the spirit of the Con that gave Tinkerbell enough courage to bate me. Enough courage to leave the house in pink fairy wings. Stay bold, fairy princess. Let the Con be with you.
2. Security is lax. If you’ve ever wondered if there was a job out there that required no effort whatsoever, security and administration at Comic Con is the place for you. When I received my gleaming yellow “Professional” badge on Saturday, I have to admit – it felt good to be in the elite. Until I realized that 96% of the people walking around me also had Professional badges. It seems that any form of credential was accepted, including Professional Street Fighter, Professional Pokemon Trainer, and the widely popular Professional Storm Trooper. Needless to say, all were accepted and let in with ease. Not to mention the biggest form of security I saw was a small lady asking people to “kindly not cut” as we strolled into the seminars.
3. Keanu Reeves is an alien. I sat through the panel discussion on his latest film, The Day the Earth Stood Still, which I interpreted as a documentary on Keanu’s realization of his alien heritage. From the footage shown, Keanu didn’t need much training to get the alien behaviors down. It seemed eerily natural, even for a member Wyld Stallyns (Yes, that’s a Bill and Ted reference). Though he may not be a chest-blasting alien, he may be hiding something from us. Life lesson? Beware of Keanu.
4. How to get a teenage girl. Now, I will preface this by stating for the record that I’m straight. However, I feel like I acquired a valuable piece of information that will be of great use to thirteen-year-old boys and Internet pedophiles alike. If you want to get a teenage girl, you have to become a vampire. Apparently hickies just don’t cut it for the modern teenager. They want raw, bloody, fang penetration, courtesy of your undead mouth. Proof, you ask? I nearly went deaf from said girls screeching at the cast of Twlight, the poor man’s Harry Potter series that apparently has a greater following than I was aware of. So, fellas, next time you’re in Claire’s scopin’ out a hot mama, I suggest you don a cape and some white face paint and go to town on the bitch’s neck. She’ll know what’s up.
5. Free hugs are not for me. All “Free Hugs” signs should be confiscated and burned. This must be said. For all of the people, nerd or not, that are thinking at this moment what to write on their cardboard sign to rebelliously display in public, “Free Hugs” is not the sign for you. A once harmless saying was turned into a vile threat after a weekend at Comic Con. For every lonely, costumed person I saw holding one of these, I wanted to punch square in the ear. Why? Because the motion would look like I’m going in for the hug, but then they would get a swift punch in the ear for not listening. Also, it’s ironic that the people holding these extremely unoriginal signs are the people you would never want a free hug from. If someone were to give their sign to Mark Wahlberg, this portion of my article may be different. But no, woman dressed as Sora from Kingdom Hearts. It’s you. Fuck that.
6. Shame doesn’t exist. That is, inside the walls of the San Diego Convention Center. Over the course of the weekend, I watched a portly woman dressed as Wonder Woman scurry around looking for photo ops, a conservative Christian ask Sarah Silverman how religion affected her, and, my personal favorite: a middle-aged woman ask the (male) cast of Twilight if they wore boxers or briefs. Mind you, this is a woman in her forties imagining what sort of undergarments are harnessing the underage boys’ cabobs. The best part? As the audience and panel stared at her in bewildered disgust, she was beaming. She thought nothing of it. Either she wandered out of Arkham Asylum, or this woman was merely embracing the shame-free spirit of the Con. She sat down to no answer and a restraining order.
7. Dakota Fanning is a bitch. First of all, I sat in the longest line I’ve ever seen to get into an auditorium teeming with smelly virgins just to see Dakota Fanning’s pubescent face. That is a lie. But after I got in, and found out she would be among the plethora of celebrities speaking about their film endeavors, I was interested. Interested in seeing if the Uptown Girl was still as awkward looking as a child could possibly look. Dakota did worse. She didn’t show. She got my hopes up, and then she crushed them with her ugly fist. I sat through the clip of her latest film, Push, in which she looked slightly less frightening than when she played the alien from War of the Worlds (I didn’t see the film, I just assume). Dakota showed up late, claiming she was in traffic because of a flipped truck, when I realized, Dakota mother-fucking Fanning flipped that truck. This is what happened: Dakota was driving while reading the Economist and blaring Mozart when she noticed a yellow VW bus beside her. This brought the image of her arch nemesis and better actress Abigal Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine), and drove Dakota to go Zidane on the Los Angeles commuters. Thus, Dakota caused a serious accident, seven hours of traffic, and my dreams to be crushed. Bitch status.
Note: For anyone who didn’t understand the Zidane reference, ask a Frenchman. Or watch some soccer.
So, there’s a small recap of the infinite wisdom I gained by attending Comic Con 2008. If you haven’t yet, check out our video footage of the Con, as well as our latest article from Dres F.C. about how awesome Katee Shean is at shakin’ her groove thang. Yes, thang.
