The Middlest Child

By: Graham Towers

Now, I know as much about the Wu-Tang as your average Jane. Like all schoolchildren, I was taught to recite my ABC’s, my Do-Re-Mi’s and all nine members of the Clan (GZA, RZA, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, Raekwon, Method Man, and O.D.B. {R.I.P.}). But I have to admit, until I read “The Wu-Tang Manual” by the RZA, I was missing one key fact.

The RZA….is…. a goddamned SUPERHERO.

Yes, you read that right, and no, I am not making this up.

In the chapter on how comic books influenced Wu-Tang, the RZA talks about how all the guys, particularly Method Man, had lots of comics growing up. Then he drops the following bomb: “…the Green Hornet’s another one of my favorite characters—and he’s just a man, too. So I decided, ‘Fuck this, I’m gonna become a superhero for real.’” Wait, what? The RZA goes on to explain that his superhero alter ego is named Bobby Digital, after his sometime rap moniker, which spawned the album Bobby Digital in Stereo and the movie Bobby Digital (note: Bobby Digital is not a movie according to imdb. I wonder if the RZA knows that the movie he made is not actually a movie, nor was it actually made.)

“”I was getting ready to go out at nighttime and right some wrongs. That was my plan—like on some Green Hornet shit. I had this suit built for me that’s literally invulnerable to AK fire. The car was a black Suburban that I had made bulletproof and bombproof up to government-security-level standards. I called it the Black Tank. I still have it—it stays at the Bat Cave. I even had a good butler almost ready to go. He was going to be like my Kato, but he wasn’t old enough yet. I was really on a mission, I really felt compelled. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. To get Bobby Digital up and online. To keep it real. That’s how seriously I took it.”

Let’s go through it…

Cool Superhero Name? Check.

Superpowers OR Supersuit? Check

Cool-Ass Super Vehicle? Check

OPTIONAL: Wisecracking Butler/Sidekick? Check (Kind of. I guess he wasn’t old enough. How old does one have to be to be Kato? Which leads me to…)

RZA, if you’re reading this, PLEASE let me be your sidekick. I will be the Robin to your Batman, the Stimpy to your Ren, the Argyle to your Officer John McClane. I will drive your Black Tank, hand roll your honey-dipped blunts (did I mention Bobby Digital derives powers/enlightenment from honey-dipped blunts?), and I will serve you espresso while sweeping the Bat Cave…We also might want to think up a new name for where you park your ride. I think Bat Cave is taken.