The Middlest Child

by Ben Deeb

Dear Senator McCain,

There has been a lot of speculation as to whom you’ll choose as your vice president. I’m sure you’ve been thinking really hard about it lately, but I have a suggestion. I know I may not be the most experienced or respected source, but I did have some pretty good ideas for Barack Obama’s VP search, so hear me out.

Let’s face it: you’re old as a pair of 71 year old balls. If you’re gonna win this thing, you need a way to attract the youth vote. You don’t want young people looking at you and seeing the Emperor from Star Wars, or worse, the Pope, so you’re going to have to freshen up your ticket with some youth. I don’t mean just running with some governer like Bobby Jindal, who’s 37 and a minority; it’s going to take more than that to beat Obama. It’s going to take someone the youth of this country knows and can relate to. It’s going to take someone that maybe doesn’t understand the political process at all. It’s going to take Andrew W.K.

Right now I’m assuming you don’t know who Andrew W.K. is. Senator, this is completely understandable seeing as how he was born about the time you divorced your first wife. Anyway, long life story short, he’s a rock star. Kind of. He pretty much yells the word party a lot over loud guitars and piano. But that’s what kids like nowadays, and who are we to judge?

Despite the obvious appeal of Andrew’s youth, he has a lot of other good qualities you’d look for in a VP. First off, he likes to party. He’s made this abundantly clear with song titles like “Party Hard,” “It’s Time to Party,” “Party ‘til You Puke,” “Dance Party,” “Long Live the Party,” and “Party, Party, Party.” If this guy can’t party, I don’t know what it means to party.* America likes to party, and that’s a fact. Thus, America likes Andrew W.K. This guy will get you elected.

W.K.’s penchant for partying isn’t the only other reason you should choose him, though. He’s got long hair and once smashed his face in with a cinderblock for no real reason before a photo shoot. This kind of blatant disregard for personal safety would certainly draw the alcoholic/redneck-meth-head vote. If there’s something small town Americans can relate to it’s getting hopped-up on intoxicating chemicals and hurting yourself. This fact alone will bring you closer to the people of the heartland and make you that much more appealing to them.

Besides that, some of Andrew W.K.’s songs are featured on Girls Gone Wild videos. While on the surface this may not seem like a beneficial thing, in reality, it’s great for your campaign. If it’s not enough that he got you the redneck meth-heads, now you’re getting the porn addicts and infomercial suckers for free. Plus, if you play his music at your campaign events, millions of people could connect the sound with that in the background during their most intimate moments with themselves. Through this process their brains would associate your campaign with girls going wild, and feel strangely certain that they want to vote for you. It’s called Freudian inter-cognition response and it’s a sure winner, look it up.**

In closing, I have to say that you really have no suitable alternative to Andrew W.K. Everyone else will just seem like another boring political ticket. In fact, you owe it to the American people to run with Andrew W.K. No matter who you pick, we Americans are going to be hearing about every miniscule detail of your campaign on the news in the next 5 months, and you owe us something interesting to break the monotonous voice of 24-hour CNN. And you can rest assured, it doesn’t get much more interesting than Andrew W.K.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Deeb

Party to the Whitehouse

*I can’t guarantee I know what it means to party.
**Don’t bother looking it up.