The Middlest Child

By Kari G.

This article marks the first in a new series, wherein a notorious douchebag will be awarded a prize by us here at The Middlest Child. These d-bags will come from the music world, film scene, sports arena, or even ancient history. No douchebaggery will be spared.

Today, the series will be kicked off with one of the most prime exhibitors of douchebagness. And the winner is…Pete Wentz, bassist of the unfortunately popular band Fall Out Boy! His prize, you ask? A vomit-colored ribbon with his name stitched on it: Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III. Seriously, though, he’s hardcore. With a name like that, I bet people just look at it and shout, “Rock star!” Or, more likely, “Jousting runner-up at Medieval Times!” But, if you were lucky enough to actually catch a glimpse of this tattooed bassist, you’d see that his face screams douchebag. Here are the top reasons why he’s been graced with the Douchebag Award:
 

7. Fake Punk. Though Mr. Wentz has been labeled by American popular culture as the cookie-cutter (no pun intended) image of an emo rocker, Wentz is as close to a actually being a rock star as this man. Wentz’ attempts to be “edgy” include: wearing makeup and kissing guys. Let’s start with the first point. Wentz’s guyliner does nothing to prove his status as a rock symbol, but rather brings out the color of his eyes: black as his soul and drab as his personality. Secondly, Wentz told Blender magazine he “likes kissing guys” but hasn’t gone all the way with men before because he’s “not a fan of penises.” Hardcore! Did I mention he posted nude pictures of himself on the Internet? Man, for a guy that claims to hate the man meat, he sure does love his own. Douchebag stamp of approval!
 

6. Personal Experience. I’ve had the sheer pleasure of meeting Pete Wentz on two separate occasions, back in the ancient past when I too was brainwashed into attending Fall Out Boy concerts. On the first occasion, I somehow mustered the gall to say “good luck” to him on my way to the bathroom. He was on a cell phone, assumedly talking to himself, and gave me a head nod while making a kissy-face. I’m not sure if I had fully turned around before I mouthed, “ew.” The second time isn’t worth talking about. It involves him recording an incredibly boring voicemail message that sounded close to: “I’m Pete Wentz. Leave a message. I’m a huge tool…” Or something.
 

5. His Name. He’s Pete Wentz the third. And he has two middle names. And they’re Lewis and Kingston. Fortunately for us, there are two more Pete Wentzes out there. Good call, world.
 

4. Baby Mama. He’s married to Ashlee Simpson. Not only that, he had the douchebaggy balls to get her pregnant. When that baby comes out of that nasty vagina, it will have spent the last nine months listening to either “Shadow” by Simpson or “Thks Fr Th Mmrs” (wtf??) by Wentz and crew. If there were an award given out for Worst Music Taste in the World, that baby would sweep the category, hands down, while still in the womb. And then win every year thereafter. On a related note, I’d be willing to bet money that child will be born as either: a) An alien with permanent black eyeliner, or: b) Gus, Ugliest Dog in the World Winner.
 

3. Failure. Pete Wentz failed his suicide attempt. In 2005, after sitting alone in his car in a Best Buy parking lot being emo (that’s fact), Wentz decided he was “too isolated” to go on living as a big rock star. Somebody call the whambulance! He overdosed on a bunch of anxiety meds, and then proceeded to death-dial his manager and then mom before he decided that the world just wouldn’t be able to survive without his pretty face. Or his nude Internet pics. He decided it was in everyone’s best interest for him to go to the hospital and move in with his mommy and then write about how emo it was in his song, “7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen).” Someone should’ve told him it’s only edgy if you actually go through with it.
 

2. Intellectual. Wentz was quoted in an NPR story in November 2007, saying, “I would never come out and say I’m gay, because I’m not gay. There’s part of me that kind of wishes I was gay, and I think that comes from anybody constantly wishing they were in the minority and constantly wanting to fight everybody off.” Totally, Pete Wentz. Totally. That’s just like how I wake up everyday wishing that I were born black in the sixties. They totally had the life. They’d just walk around and get to fight everyone off for not letting them integrate into society. Why did anyone ever complain? I mean, it’s a shame not everyone gets the chance to fight for their civil rights against the majority – ‘cause that’s so totally rock and roll.
 

1. MTV. Has anyone seen those commercials for “FN MTV?” I haven’t had the golden opportunity to see the program yet, but supposedly it’s a show that’s “bringing back the classic MTV – with real music.” Oh, and the spokesperson for this idea is Pete Wentz. Is this a joke, MTV? The people advertising “the real MTV” are Spencer Pratt from The Hills and Pete Lewis Kingston Wentz III? In the commercial, Wentz stands there with the microphone awkwardly, trying to look like a sad puppy, as Spencer makes an ass out of himself. I’m going to make an educated guess here and say Wentz is imagining the microphone as his own dick, and then giggling to himself about how incredibly edgy that would make him. Sooo edgy.
 

If the above reasons haven’t satisfied your Pete Wentz quota for the day, I would suggest you look into medical attention. Wentz epitomizes the word “douchebag” and should be honored to receive any award that is bestowed upon him. Be on the lookout for more douchebaggery next week.