By Kari G.
This article serves as a beginner’s guide to judging your friends and acquaintances based on which character from the popular television show The Office they gravitate towards. Here are the top eleven characters:
1. The Michael
The person who claims Michael as their favorite character on The Office has used the phrase, “That’s what she said” approximately seven times before you finish reading this sentence. Eight if you’re dyslexic. Michaels suffer from what we professionals call, awkward-ass personas, and will undoubtedly giggle when they get nervous or excited. If, perchance, you spot a Michael Enthusiast in the wild, be wary of inviting them over to your home, as they may mistake your toilet for a drinking fountain. Or your daughter for a whore. May also wear suits to informal gatherings.
2. The Dwight
It’s usually easy to spot a Dwight Fanatic, though they come in two different species. Species #1 has an unhealthy addiction to Battlestar Galactica, is allergic to most household fabrics (including cotton), and was voted “Most Likely to Join a Cult” in high school. They worship the ground Dwight walks on, and believe Rainn Wilson is not an actor, but in fact Dwight’s code name to live among the mortal race. Species #2 of the Dwight Fanatic is hard to predict, because it is almost a polar opposite of the former. Species #2 enjoys laughing at Dwight almost as much as they enjoy a keg stand with the bros. These TV watchers were voted “Best Athlete” in high school and most likely enjoy the soothing sounds of Flo Rida. Often spotted in the wild sporting cargo shorts and puka shell necklaces. They will most likely go to work to beat you in sales and then go home to beat their wives.
3. The Jim
Though the Jim Lover seems like they would be a Renaissance Man with razor-sharp wit and the looks to match, the Jim Lover is actually a female between the ages of 13 and 39. The girls who are obsessed with Jim, however, are most likely in relationships of their own, though they imagine their significant other is Adam Brody during sex. The Jim Lover will refuse to admit that License to Wed was a horrific attempt at filmmaking, remarking instead that, “OMFG guys Jim was sooo adorabibble.” If you’re trying to court a Jim Lover, do something cutsey-wootsey for a date like eating dinner on your rooftop. She’ll love you forever. Or at least until Season 4 starts up.
4. The Pam
The Pam Worshipper is generally male, ranging in age from 18-27. Though a small age pocket, the category is rich in diversity. It holds both the anime-drawing, wrist-slashing males that “totally identify with Pam’s personality,” as well as the collar-popping, jockstrap-wearing dudes that would love to bone down with a sexy receptionist. And/or librarian. The common factor? Most Pam Worshippers wish they were Jim so they could get some action with ol’ Pammy. If you come in contact with one of these guys, take precautionary measures to hide your daughter’s school artwork and/or make no mention of your volunteer days at the local library.
5. The Andy
The Andy Enthusiast is a rare breed among Office watchers, for they are usually too busy selling used cars to watch the show. However, the common factor is that they too went to an ivy-league school, though they got in based on “connections” and/or “sexual favors.” The Andy Adorer will be spotted dressing like Bill Nye the Science Guy, though ironically, he doesn’t know shit about science. He “usually had to many Zimas before Physics to pay attention,” if you know what he means. The Andy also can’t seem to understand why guys at the bars always offer to, “push in his stool” for him. He guesses they’re just being polite.
6. The Meredith
Think you’ve spotted a Merideth Lover? Well, she isn’t listening to you. She’s fucking wasted.
7. The Creed
The Creed Admirer is a deceptive character to find in the wild. Though Creed is a well-liked character in many demographics, the closest match is generally a male aging from 60-85 years old. You may go days seeing him around your office or school thinking that he’s a mere coworker or substitute teacher, when in reality, he’s a homeless man in a suit. Don’t be alarmed: he isn’t dangerous, though he may offer you day-old egg salad or alcohol that smells suspiciously of urine (decline the offer). Though entertaining, you should keep him away from valuables, for he will steal your shit. I would also suggest locking up the medicine cabinets, for the true Creed Admirer has no fear of consequence. Let’s just say you’d have to pay him for sex ‘cause he just doesn’t give a fuck.
8. The Phyllis
If you think you’ve spotted a Phyllis Lover, ask yourself this question: “Am I just assuming this because my friend or acquaintance is, shall we say, on the hefty side?” If the answer is yes, you’re a bitch. Also, you’re correct. Despite their size, the Phyllis Lover is hard to spot, for they will usually pretend their favorite character is Jim to gain attention and popularity from their peers. Their favorite sport is softball and their favorite food is “carbs”. Curveball: The Phyllis Lover is extremely sexual.
9. The Angela
The Angela Fan doesn’t really understand The Office, she merely catches snippets of it while monitoring her children’s television time. She also loved Monica from Friends, and is twice as anal about everything. Don’t let the word anal fool you, she’s tighter than spandex and bitchier than your substitute math teacher. If that doesn’t turn you off, maybe the shockingly graphic crucifix above her bed will. If you’re hell-bent on hooking up with an Angela Fan, just know that her cat is the only…female…you’ll be seeing.
10. The Oscar
The person who likes Oscar the best is usually identified by the large rainbow flag they have draped across their chest. Wait, not all gay guys have that you say? Well, try your best to spot them by asking if they enjoy things like: shopping, art shows, fine wines, or giving head. The Oscar fan may try to convince you that “not all gay guys like shopping and critiquing art,” like The Office portrays. They may be correct, but you’d never know it.
11. The Kevin
If you believe you’ve met a Kevin Enthusiast, the best way to achieve proof is to ask them to draw a food pyramid. If any of the categories contain the words, “candy,” “pizza,” or “girls…lol,” you’ve snagged a Kevin. Though Kevin’s character appeals to a wide range of viewers, the group that mirrors Kevin’s behaviors most are the ones who identify with him. These “40-Year-Old-Virgins” of society have little contact with the opposite sex, and therefore turn to food as their main hobby. Often spotted buttering fruit, as well as substituting cream in their coffee for mayo…
There you have it. The top eleven characters from The Office and how to spot them among your friends and acquaintances that watch the show (or don’t). If you have any suggestions for characters you’d like to see added to the list, be sure to leave a comment. Happy stereotyping!
