The Middlest Child

By: Dres F.C.

It was Rousseau who noted the theory of the noble savage. That men in a state of nature are noble beings and it is the artificiality of society that brings out wickedness. Blah, blah, fucking pretentious Frenchman, blah.

I’m not sure what makes humans evil but there is absolutely no denying some of us are inherent bastards. Whether it’s societal pressures or instinct, some crazy person generally of the male sex, have thought up of some of the most terrible things you’ve never heard of.

In the end man is most likely inherently evil. It is only out of years of breading and training that we have tricked our psychosis into helping that peg legged lady across the street instead of sneaking up from behind and screaming “TIMBERRRRRR,” as she gets taken out in front of a speeding armored truck by a swift leg sweep that Mr. Miyagi taught us all those years ago.

Probably my favorite area of all of things evil is the rationale that is created to justify the evilness.

The following are 4 signs that man is inherently evil. It just so happens that they are all forms of execution that have thrived in our societies across the world at one point in history or another. Apparently the people that thought up these things were inbred and skipped etiquette class. Elbows off the table Stalin, Christ.

4. Exposure in Animal Skin

IGN Video Game Review of: Exposure in Animal Skin.

Level 1: Hunt and kill a large animal in the plains of Chad. (The country)
Level 2: Disembowel the Zebra.
Level 3: Take naked town delinquent and tape his arms and legs together.
Level 4: Stuff town delinquent into Zebra.
Level 5: Sew up Zebra.
Level 6: Put Zebra in desert.
Level 7: Every so often open Zebra back up and force feed town delinquent spoiled milk.
Level 8: Sew Zebra back up.
Level 8-15: Repeat levels 7 & 8.
Game over.

Overall: Great graphics and presentation. Lacks lasting appeal. Grade of Evil = 4. We’ve played more evil.

The Kicker

That’s pretty much it. This is how they would execute your ass in the country of Chad. There is really no further explanation.  Except for the fact that you don’t die of right away because of the spoiled milk you are being force fed. Rather you are baking inside the belly of a dead animal. Eventually you will starve or die of gangrene.

The Rationale

No explanation what so ever. Now that’s truly icy cold evil. You really fucked up when you stole those cattle that clearly belonged to me. So I’m going to put you inside an animal carcass and let you bake and starve in the hot sun. Balance those scales of justice biatch.

3.    Scaphism

Needed Ingredients
-    A hollowed out tree or boat.
-    A saw to cut out arm, head, and leg holes.
-    Honey. Lots of honey.
-    Milk.
-    A naked person.
-    No morals or general feelings of any kind what so ever.

What the shit is this?

It’s quite simple. You take a boat and stand it up. You put your run of the mill crook inside the boat with their legs, arms, and head sticking out of the holes you cut for them. You secure that fuck to the boat or hollowed out tree to make sure he can’t run away. Then you force-feed him honey and milk. Naturally. Then you sing him happy birthday.

The health conscious diet of honey and milk brings on diarrhea and the crook’s feces (shit, poop, mud slide) accumulate attracting insects to his honey smothered exposed appendages. Throughout the DAYS of this more honey and milk means more feces which leads us to more insects. The insects then breed and eat at the exposed now gangrenous flesh.

The Kicker

You didn’t die because of the insects. No, they were only there for an added fuck you. A mere annoyance in your layover flight to death.  You die because of dehydration, starvation, and septic shock! :=).  But don’t worry insanity sets in anywhere between day 3 or 4. One determined lad lasted 17 days like this before death. Mithridates, was his name and I feel he should be on those inspiring “impossible is nothing.” Adidas commercials .

The Rationale

To humiliate and kill. Pretty straightforward vengeance. So, apparently the Persian culture was excellent in areas that rug purchasers never imagined. Though, I do believe silky smooth rugs with incredible intricate designs are easier to market than death. (Unless you’re an American politician) People probably tend to have less cases of buyers remorse.

2.    Ling Chi or Leng T’che (Slow Slicing)

Seriously China, what the fuck?  I know that guy robbed the general market for a little bit of opium. It was overpriced and with inflation the way it was how is a simple farm hand supposed to get his fix? But by all means does that mean you need to tie his ass to a wooden slab in the middle of the town square and day by day slice off patches of his skin?

Silly me. Of course it does because people are damn evil.

The Kicker

Instead of doing this in let’s say over the course of an hour, the person in charge would administer drugs to keep the poor sliced up bastard alive longer.  The name sake of this correctional technique comes from the classical description of slowly climbing a mountain. So the longer slab boy is alive, the more Captain Ginsu can climb. The poor patchity bastard probably looked like bloody Madra shorts before it was all said and done.

The Rationale

I guess Ling Chi serves the purpose of public humiliation, a slow lingering death, and a punishment after death. See, if you were all holey going into death than you would not be whole in spirit once you die. So there you have it. Slice em up, keep em alive, slice some more, and when finally they are given the sweet nectar of death you kick them one more time as no opposite sex spirit will find them attractive with exposed organs and patches of skin missing. But hey, if this happens to you try to pass it off as a really bad case of eczema.

1. Sawing

Algebra: Solve for X.

Rope + Wooden pull up bar type thing to tie your legs to so you hang upside down + two strong men + X = Crazy insane evil as all get out death

If you thought X was hugs and kisses you were wrong. If you guessed swift gun shot to the head you were wrong. If you thought saw without reading the title first you need to seek professional help pronto. Yet, you would be right. X = Saw. Holy shit.

What in evils name is going on?

You take your standard naked person and tie them up by their ankles so they hang upside down. Make sure their legs are spread apart and their crotch is approximately hanging at your chest level. They you proceed to fucking saw them in half.

The Kicker

Because you are hanging upside down all of your blood is rushing to your brain. So as you are being sawed in half and you are loosing copious amounts of blood, there is still tons of it flowing through your brain so you’re still alive and kicking until the two man Craftsman saw makes its way to your abdomen or even longer.

The Rationale

Really haven’t found one yet. Though, I assume one would partake in such after school activity to set an example. Sort of a after school special if you will. Or a classic NBC PSA.

Cue: Steve Carell. “Hey kids, don’t hit that crack pipe or your ass might get sawed in half.” Cue: shooting star and NBC logo. Cue, music and titles “The More You Know.”

There you have it. The proof is in the pudding. Man is inherently evil. If you listened to Coldplay or Elliott Smith while you read this you are probably thinking “Fuck, I should just go kill myself since I am to evil.” Don’t do that. Rather remember that you aren’t these people. You have been trained and bred to have character, which control our impulses and tell us right from wrong.

To think someone sat down at a table and thought up all these ways to kill your ass.

Guy 1:
Lets saw him in half.

Guy 2:
Yes, but we need to stretch their death out longer. Keep them alive as long as possible.

Guy 1:
Agreed. Oh, and they should be naked.

Guy 2:
Oh for sure. Def naked.