The Middlest Child

Final Round. Finish Him.

#2 Hillary Duff vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan

Here it is. Destiny played its hand in reuniting these former embattle stars. Now, once again, Lindsay and Hillary can sink their claws into one another only this time it’s on the grandest Middlest Child stage. This match would have been guest refereed by Aaron Carter, but he is busy reviving his career on celebrity rehab.

Team Hillary comes in with an angry victory. Taming any thoughts that Miley has taken over for her as Ms. Disney. Meanwhile, Team Lindsey is fully confident in their abilities reach the final. After all, she is the #1 seed for a reason. To the battle.

Hillary wastes no time. Not taking any chances with the little kid Lizzy Mcguire strategy used so well in the last round, she goes straight for the cinematic throat. “How’s your movie career, ex that, career in general going? I’m starring opposite Lloyd Dobler, and Ghandi in War, Inc. Ya, Ghandi, no big deal or anything. It’s a political satire. Do you even know what a satire is Long Island?” Someone did their homework and has come to play. Lindsay sporting her most recent fad, pregnancy with her lesbian love affair shouts “I’m starring in a movie with Chris Parnell.” The crowd has gone silent. Chris Parnell vs. Lloyd Dobler and Ghandi…Hmm lets think about this….and the points go to Hillary in a land slide. Silly Lindsey. Not one to stay on her knees for too long, unless there is man involved or she is short on crack rocks, Lindsay screams, “Indie cred? What about street cred Biatch. I was arrested…Multiple times and look how sexy my mug shot is.” To the jumbo tron… and there it is. Lindsay gets her point across, if it came to it her Long Island upbringing could physically kill little Hill whether she’s drunk, or strung out. Out to prove she’s a good girl too Lohan takes a half court shot. “I help P.E.T.A, I want to rid the world of fur farming.” Hillary, Scoffing, “I want to go to take a shit on Mars, but it ain’t gunna happen.” Confused as like everyone else as to what hell that meant, Lohan swings for the fences, “My album Speak was #4 on the billboard 200.” Well toss my salad this play-by-play announcer is impressed. “Number 1 in both USA and our neighbors to the north,” says a smug Hillary. Shit, Lohan seems to be running out of steam, and screams out “31,600, 000 google hits!” “15,000,000 are about this,” fires Hillary. To the jumbo tron….and damn. Point team Hillary. That is not an appetizing vagina. The 2 seed is looking really good right now. Looks like Lindsay is about out of it. She turns her back to rail a line really quickly. Her lesbian lover lifts up her skit and takes a line off Team Lindsay’s bare pregnant stomach. When she turns back Hillary goes for the jugular. “#7 Forbes top 20 earners under 25. #7 FHM 100 sexiest women in the world. And that’s 2008 NOT 2007. Not to mention and I quote a head of a major film studio has sid, ‘Her career was over long before she had these troubles… Right now, she’d have to pay a studio to get herself into a movie.’” Knowing her best days are officially behind her and her pregnancy will not work like Nicole Richie’s to gain her some positive media light in utter anger and frustration Lindsay bludgeons her stomach. Much like this.

Winner: The still clothed Hillary Duff

#1 Shia Lebeouf vs. #2 Zac Efron

There was no real threat that these two studs would make it this far. I mean the Jonas Brothers really couldn’t compare with Even Stevens much less the rest of Team Shia’s arsenal. Both come into this battle hungry and ready to take this thing to the next level.

Not waiting another moment ZE rolls out in his classic Rolling Stone cover outfit and pose while holding up the magazine, sexually mouthing to Shia “Rolling Stone bitch.” Good start ZE but not helping much to quiet the gay rumors was the running of your tongue all the way around your lips? Just sayin. Not to be outmatched, Shia comes out in a full on astronauts outfit. Clearly making a case of a cover of his own the Vanity Fair shoot. Walking right up to ZE Shia hands him his GQ cover! Wow, this man came to play today, and sorry to disappoint you Zac it’s not with your dick. Pre-cumming a little ZE turns with a shutter. Upon his return to the field, Shia starts to airbrush Zac right there in front of everyone! “What kind of bronze is it you like?” So upset that he looses his focus, Zac starts to try and rip off Shia’s face. Forgetting Hairspray is not equivalent to Indiana Jones Shia thrown ZE like a rag doll. On the floor Zac crawls to Shia growling at him. Shia screams at “Transformers? Even Stevens? What the fuck he’s creppying me out.” Not sure what ZE’s strategy is but it is certainly weird. At Shia’s feet ZE turns over begging to get rubbed on his stomach. “Do it. Pet my belly. . . Pet it you bitch!” Storming the court naked it’s Vanessa Hudgens. “Remember what you like baby. It’s this nasty over here. You can’t do this your publicist is going to be so pissed.” “I can’t handle it anymore V. I need my man meet. Shia’s just to hot right now. He was damn Indiana Jones. I can’t compete, and I cant resists.” There is it. Shia was so hot that he outted Zac Efron. Must have been that sensual astronaut outfit.

Winner: Shia Lebeouf

Championship Round #1 Shia LeBeouf vs. #2 Hillary Duff

For all of you that thought this would be a battle of two #1’s you should know that hardly ever happens. Not to mention you should have guessed that just because The Lohan shows her snatch here and there that doesn’t mean she is automatically in. Rather, all it means is that we have seen one more pink dragon. Though part of all of us here at The Middlest Child really believes that The Lohan’s can breath fire. Or acid. It’s fire or acid for sure. Either way a phallus will be all manner of melted.

To the championship bout! Team Hillary is battle tested this being her 3rd round of the tournament. Team Shia comes in bruised from the battle with Efron but shouldn’t be bothered by fatigue due to the Jett Jackson, Corbin Bleu murder.

Hillary strolls out of the east gate with Gordo massaging her shoulders. He reaches for breast and gets a slap. You had to try man.

Shia comes out from the west gate swinging vine to vine with his newly befriended monkey brethren. It looks just as stupid as the movie. Shia is grounded with the automatic point deduction for the lame antics. Feeling good about her chances Hillary rolls up spitting out her many teen awards winnings. After Shia reminds her that due to exchange rates Canadian awards are really only 1/3 of any American awards Team Hillary goes back to the drawing board. Shia boasts about Transformers, and his 2 sequels that are coming out for it. Anticipating Hillary’s rebuff with War Inc. Shia compounds that with “While you are out running around with toothless Canadian hockey players I’ll be keeping myself busy dating the likes of Rhianna, and Lauren Hastings. “ Hillary, ready for such an obvious attack like a true champion makes no excuses for her terrible taste in men, and fires back with, “My show kills your little Even Stevens experiment to the tune of 2.3 million viewers per episode. On cable. Not sure that many people even heard of Battle of Shaker Heights? But they did see your beautiful mug shot you delinquent.” While the first comeback scores points for Hillary the later immediately deducts them. She must not be living in the world that I do where a mug shot, a DUI, or flashing your fire breathing pink dragon and parading around like a homeless crack addict willing to have change thrown at you and be videotaped in bum fights means you automatically get your own show. For shame Hillary and your ideals. Not to mention Shia’s arrest was for refusing to leave a Walgreens. That’s just adorable. He was probably just trying to get a banana for his monkey friends. “Enough is enough. I have had it with your incessant whining. First you piss off Lohan, then Avril, who’s next? Al Roker? Diversity your portfolio. Here’s the deal Duff, Transformers made more than your last 3 films in its opening box office. I have countless films lined up with directors like Steven Spielberg. I smoked out with my dad at 10 years old. I’m more talented than you and date more attractive people. Your second album bombed by expectations and really, you are one failed movie away from going back to the Disney Channel. Gordo, do what you do.” In a surprise move Gordo knocks out Team Hillary with chloroform mumbling to himself “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.” Damn you Gordo, we knew this entire time.

Winner: Shia LeBeouf.

And that’s it everybody. Shia is our 2008 Disney Child Stars Champion! You have waited long for this. Shia we hope you dont prove us wrong and become a one trick pony.

Congratulations to Shia LeBeouf. No one will ever be able to take this win from you.