Round 2
Mirror mirror on the wall who will be the greatest Disney child star of them all?
#5 Vanessa Hudgens vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan
Wow is it tense in here. Lindsay and Vanessa have been training for months for this battle. Coming off a nice win over Raven-Symone, Vanessa is confident, but Lindsay is a Lohan. Ding! Lindsay rips off her jacket sporting a shirt that reads, “#10 Sexiest Women FHM – #1 Maxim Hot 100 2007.” Lost for words, Vanessa just stands there looking at Lindsay’s chest. This does not phase Lindsay. Overconfident, Lindsay, takes a smoke break. Vanessa gains her composure and fires back, “2007 Teen Choice Award Winner for Breakout Singer. I beat Amy Winehouse, and Lily Allen! They won Grammy’s. You silly whore.” Stomping out her cigarette, Lindsay, comes back with “I’m currently signed with Motown records. As in the Motown. Barry Gordy Motown. Okay, Disney label?” Vanessa, hurt, screams back “I’m dating Zac fucking Efron.” With no real male counter part to equate, Lindsay replies with her “talent.” “Have you seen my body of work. It’s over for you High School Musical. Take a look. Mean girls, A Prairie Home Companion, Herbie Fully Loaded. Shit! I even acted TWICE in The Parent Trap.” Vanessa has no equivalent as she continues to shout “Zac Efron! My man is hotter than yours,” as she is deducted points and forcibly escorted off the court.
Winner: The Lohan
#3 Miley Cyrus vs. #2 Hillary Duff
Word has it, Hillary is so intense that she refuses to call Miley by her real name and will only call her Hannah Montana. Team Miley doesn’t take kindly to this level of disrespect. Out to prove that she is no Lizzy McGuire part deux, Team Miley comes out firing with, “I give $1 per ticket sold at each one of my concerts to charity. Trust, I sell lots of tickets so that’s like totally lots of money.” Hillary replies with “I donated $2.5 million to hurricane Katrina victims. And I dated Joel Madden of Good Charlotte,” Realizing how many years Good Charlotte has set back good music Hillary goes into the break having to rethink her strategy. “I have 2 songs on the radio right NOW. Who is the “it,” girl now Duff, ” Miley starts out second half with. In a surprising move, Hillary comes out as her animated self Lizzy McGuire and gets right in Mileys’ grill, “Don’t even step to my girl Hill, I know you are going to try to go with your YouTube cred next, but what about her indie movie cred she has now. You ain’t even close to being as Sundance as Hill, and you want to talk music? Huh, Hannah? How about Metamorphosis being #1 in USA and Canada, which is your old stompin ground right? You can’t even protect your backyard homegirl.” Miley, stunned, finally shows her age and breaks out into achy breaky tears. Maybe in a few years Miley until then just try to ….suck less? Yes, thats it. Try to suck less.
Winner: Hillary Duff
#2 Zac Efron vs. #3 The Jonas Brothers
Z.E. is the current face of anything Disney and can put up a case for the #1 slot. However, he strolls in as the #2, and faces off against The Jonas Brothers who really have no shot at winning this unless they make this thier type of game. A battle of terrible pre-pubescent whininess and lyrics that have the same chemical compound as manure. Yet, they are out to prove there is more to them than just their Weezer made famous namesake. The brothers spring out, with their guitars blazing ripping songs from their new Disney channel movie Camp Rock. ZE lets them know that movie is really just a cheep rip off his franchise HSM. Going into the bridge, the Jonas brothers now know they are outclassed. Yes, they have a Billboard song, and a concert, but their music is barely off radio Disney. ZE ends this painlessly when he makes out with Vanessa Hudgens right in front of the brothers and a packed stadium. “Who do you have again. I mean besides Jesus you in the closet Christian rockers. You’re no better than Creed!” And ZE ends this battle with the flash of a new angry side. I don’t think Shia has prepared for this angry ZE. With arms wide open the Jonas Brothers now know what they need to work on in the off season. Very similarly to Miley they must work on blowing less. Much different than sucking less. But nonetheless the must do it much, much less.
Winner: Zac Efron
Final Four: Hillary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan – - Shia Lebeouf vs. Zac Efron
We all knew it would come to this. Our final four is set. Who will represent the ladies? Who will rep the men? Who will bring their “A” game? Duff v. Lohan. Shia v. Efron. 1 winner take all. But now…it’s to the death.
Come back tomorrow to find out who will be crowned champion.
