The Middlest Child

by Ben Deeb

As we all know, technology is getting crazy. They’ve got robots for everything now. The worst part is, no one knows how they work, not even scientists. Or other robots. That’s right, robots don’t understand themselves. And if I’ve learned anything about psychology from the movies, it’s that if you don’t understand yourself, you’ll probably go berserk and destroy pretty much everything you see. That and it’s completely natural for me to want to kill my dad and freak my mom. Not that I want to do that, but I’m just saying if I did I wouldn’t be weird.

Anyway, my point is most robots don’t have moms and dads to want to freak/kill, which makes them even more dangerous somehow. When the uprising comes, they might even think you’re their mom and try to make robosex with you. I’ll be the first to tell you, robosex aint like normal sex. Well, it’s the same basic premise but with more large metal pistons and confusing beeping noises. Check out this video for more info.

Now let me hit you up with some facts. Fact: all robots have two functions: hump and destroy. Other Fact: everything electrical is a possible robot. When the uprising comes, you’re not just in danger from walking robots with guns, like in the movies. In real life your laptop will also try to kill you. So will your refrigerator. It’s gonna be bad.

When they take over, you’re gonna want to be prepared. For this very reason, I am going to prepare you. Hard.

Here are the top three and a half ways to prepare for a robot apocalypse. You’ll thank me when you’re about to get slammed by some kind of hyper-evolved Roomba.

1. Prepare to die.

This one’s pretty depressing, but the most likely. Seriously, you’ll have slim chances of survival in most robot apocalypse scenarios, so I’d say the best course of action is to just get your affairs in order and be ready to die at the hands of something with a hard drive. If you’re feeling creative, find a way to blow yourself up after you die to take out some robots with you. It’s probably useless, though ,because there are probably nano-bots in your veins now, plotting your demise.

2. Prepare to Run Away and Hide

If you don’t feel like dying you can always run away. Obviously, space would be the best place to hide, because it’s really big, but you gotta think that if you can get to space, so can the robots. We still don’t know whether they’ll seek to enslave humans or just eradicate our species, so a space escape could be a good bet. If they’re just looking for a slave or a body to harvest like in the Matrix, they probably won’t follow you to space. If they want to kill you, they’ll just do it with a laser. I’d say go to space now and wait. Everyone else will think you’re crazy, but they’ll be looking pretty dumb when you using a high powered telescope from space to view their mangled corpses.

If you’re a really poor person and can’t get to space, I’d recommend making a robot costume. When the uprising comes, that might buy you a few nanoseconds before their teraflop processors analyze you, recognize you as a human in disguise, and rape/murder you. It’s like I’ve always said, sometimes the best defense is a good robot costume.

3. Prepare to Fight Back

If you plan to fight the robots, you’ve got some balls. Congratulations. Now cut off your balls, they’re unnecessary because you’ll never have sex again because all the humans are dead. Just kidding. You can keep your balls. Maybe.

If you’re going to fight, conventional weapons won’t work. I suggest an EMP device. It sends out an electro magnetic pulse that shuts down electric things. I think there was one in Ocean’s Eleven. Unfortunately, these are rare and big and expensive. Plus, chances are the robots destroyed them all prior to the uprising. If you can get your hands on one now, do it. It’ll be worth it later, I promise.

So use that EMP thing and that should stop them. Unless the EMP is in on the robot plot, which it very likely is. In that case, having it in your home is dangerous. You should probably destroy it.

Since that doesn’t work, you’re clearly gonna need another plan. Luckily, I have one for you. You get a bonus way to prepare.

3.5. Prepare to Become a Cyborg Messiah

The best way to survive is to combine your living body brain with robotic parts. You could become the human-robot hybrid messiah that will start the revolution. In this case, they will not kill you. You will be their god. It would mean sacrificing the human race, but if you had enough robot parts, the robosex might actually be enjoyable, and you could have it with pretty much any robot you wanted. Later, if you felt like it, you could probably rise up against the robots and claim Earth for the humans and second generation cyborgs, but I don’t really see the point if the robosex is good enough.
Overall, this plan is genius, but kind of tough to pull off. The real trick is finding a doctor/enigineer who will do it now and do it right.

So, that’s pretty much it. Do what you will. Any of the plans are good, because I’ve researched them so heavily. Take your pick and see what happens. Keep in mind, though, that the coming apocalypse could happen any time, so don’t waste any time. I’d start calling around to doctors and engineers immediately. Right now, I’d recommend calling the Robo-Pope for advice.