The Middlest Child

Round 1

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the greatest Disney child star of them all?

#4 Raven-Symone vs. #5 Vanessa Hudgens

It’s a battle of the female Disney minorities. Proving that you don’t have to be white to be cute and cuddly on TV these two are breaking down barriers. Being an affirmative action recipient myself these two are after my heart. Raven backs into this competition while Vanessa rolls right along. If you are over the age of 20 you probably think Ravens got this one in the bag. If you are under, you see no way Vanessa can loose. Raven comes out of the gates swinging with “I was a key member of one of the most influential TV shows ever on The Cosby Show.” Vanessa retorts with a witty “HSM What!” After a quick water break, Raven jumps to her feet with her multiple feature films that went to theaters. Not made for TV. Take that V. The cut man goes to work on Vanessa, who reminds us of a little thing she likes to call HSM3. Vanessa makes sure everyone knows there is no possible way that HSM3 doesn’t kill (College) Road Trip’s opening box office dollars. Halftime. Go! Raven, reeling from the HSM3 box office point is set back further when Vanessa comes out straight swinging, shedding light to their recent trend. Vanessa, not necessarily an “it” girl, wins this point but because Raven has simply gone backward. She kicked it with the Huxtables for a while, then went to the life changing Dr. Dolittle, and then… That’s so Raven? Vanessa makes it obvious she can really only go up from Disney life. Rounding into the last turn it seems we have a battle of television past and future, and nothing is more in the now than the Internet. So, not knowing how many hits she has, Raven turns to a desperate move in google hits. Vanessa Hudgens hits = 8,450,000. Raven = 2,480,000. Mental mistakes will kill you here ladies and gentleman.

Winner: In UNC over the Fab Five like fashion, Vanessa Hudgens.

#3 Miley Cyrus vs. #6 Ashley Tisdale.

Team Tisdale comes into this tournament bitter about their match up. Feeling that they could have stolen a first round match up with Vanessa or Raven they instead get the Miley train of smiles & hugs. Though always a true champion, Ashley doesn’t know quit. She only knows one pace, 110%! Yet, no single competitor comes into this tournament with as much steam as Miley. A tour de force, most certainly Team Miley was disappointed with their seeding and is looking to make an opening round statement. It’s just too bad that Ashley drew her in the first round. Miley starts with the fact that she makes roughly 25,000,000(million) a year. Ashley hangs tough with hands down the best single record of any person here. Yet, with no shortage in her offensive arsenal, Team Miley makes sure Ashley knows that in the three minutes and seven seconds I spent watching her video on TRL, she sold out an entire tour. She’s just bein Miley right?

Winner: In impressive fashion, Miley Cyrus.

Quarter Final Matchup: #5 Vanessa Hudgens vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan – - # 3 Miley Cyrus vs. #2 Hillary Duff

In the early contest it appears we have warriors that are perhaps a mirror image of one each other. Is Miley the new and improved Hillary? Or just a Chinatown knock off Louis? Does Vanessa have what it takes to knock off mug shot Lohan? Both have bared much …. of their souls….in their acting roles I mean. Ya. Stay Tuned.

#4 Corbin Bleu vs. #5 Jett Jackson

Playing for the right to get beat by Shia Lebeouf we have Corbin and Jett. Jett of course is not his real name, but for the purposes of you all actually knowing who I am talking about he had his name legally changed to it from Lee Thompson Young. Really, in a match up that’s tighter than a polka-dot bow tie with a striped shirt and matching blazer, we have our first real toss up. Both come out shouting their own first names. But after realizing that they are equally pretty cool, the two pipe down into a staring competition. Corbin pulls his hair back to make himself unrecognizable like in his video “Push it to the Limit” when he rocks a ponytail, and starts to absolutely rip the choreographed dance. Jett, meanwhile, tries to keep up with his reoccurring TV guest star appearances like the new Terminator series, but trips and falls. It looks like Corbin and his Ocean Pacific sponsorship are about to walk away with this one when from his arse Jett remembers one thing. While Corbin was dancing, singing, and taking the sport of basketball to new lows, he was playing a mother fucking super hero on “Silverstone.” Jett calls a 20sec timeout. When the whistle blows, Corbin tries to break into one of his patented moves but Jett whips out a damn six shooter and caps Corbin straight in that floppy haired head of his. Team Corbin throws the read flag, challenging the win. From the booth, it is indeed found that Jett stood no real chance against Corbin’s record sales, so he borrowed a gun from his TV dad, who played a cop.

Result: Jett disqualified. Corbin dead.

#3 Jonas Brothers vs. #6 Tahj Mowry

They are the true definition of a team because the Jonas Brothers know how to roll deep. 3 deep. Taj also can roll three deep with his sisters Tia and Tamera by his sides, but on the sidelines. Really, Taj knows that the only reason he is here in the tournament is to round out the field. It appears that Disney really seems to be lacking a strong 6 male competitors. This one will be painful. Hopefully the brothers will take is easy on little Taj. The Jonas brothers start out riffing on their guitars rocking out about their self-titled album which hit #5 on the Billboard top 100. Tahj, somehow actually being 22 years old, retorts with his 86 episodes of Kim Possible. Ouch. Tahj should have stuck with his starring role in Smart Guy. The Jonas Bros. end this with mention of their 3D feature film of their tour which will be coming out in 2009, but do they have any more for a round two match-up with ZE?

Winner: Jonas Brothers

Quarter Final Match up: #1 Shia Lebeouf vs. No One. – - #2 Zac Efron vs. #3The Jonas Brothers
Shia Moves on with ease while Z.E. battles it out with the Jonas Brothers who are out to prove they are for real and not just something from a Weezer song.

Come back tomorrow for the most intense and arousing quarterfinal match-ups of the year. 6 men. 6 women. Only 1 Champion