The Middlest Child

Next to President of the United States, the person that most owns your ass is most likely The Walt Disney Corporation – and lets be honest, they could probably purchase the U.S. Government these days. It seems that recently, anyone who has a billboard chart topper or wins a box office weekend is a test tube baby from one place: The mother-fucking Disney Channel. These people were planted in our heads, singing, dancing, acting, and being so frustratingly adorable we’ve had no choice but to love them when they grow up. Then, when they grow up all famous like, we look back at them when they were cute kids, watch the Disney Channel some more, and love them all over again. It’s a brilliant marketing scheme.

Now, even more recently, these kids aren’t cute on the periphery, J.T. style, but rather making caverns full of money, and slapping homeless people in the face with their hundreds. Starting tomorrow, In the next three days a winner take all tournament will begin. The 2008 Battle of the Disney Child Stars. 6 Men. 6 Ladies. 1 winner.

Requirements: Must have been a household name or carried their own platform. Therefore, no Mickey Mouse club tikes. Sorry. We knew the show, and watched for the antics. NOT, for Justin or Britney. Also, they must have done multiple Disney projects or have a hit T.V. show.

I have no preference for any of the following candidates. Simply the numbers don’t lie. Come back tomorrow for the first round matches.