The Middlest Child

By Ben Deeb

Dear Senator Obama,

…. Now that you have clinched the democratic candidacy for President of the United States of America, I’ve heard you’re looking for suitable vice president candidates. I know you’re getting pressure to choose Hillary, but come on, you know that’s not the best choice. I know this has got to be a really difficult decision, so, Mr. Obama, I’m making the decision for you. Your new vice president will be… Optimus Prime.

Right about now, you’re probably thinking about not reading the rest of this letter. Well take a little bit of a break from campaigning and hear me out. Optimus Prime would be an excellent Veep. Just think about it! He’s got everything your campaign needs. With Prime at your side, you wouldn’t need all that secret security that Clinton hinted that you needed because you’re black. If anybody comes near you, they get a laser blast to the face. Bam. Problem solved. Thanks Optimus. Plus, he’d completely replace the presidential limo as the best way to get around. Air Force One? Forget about it. O.P. would just call in his boy Silverbolt (a Concorde jet) to get you from place to place at Mach 6. That dude is fast. Seriously fast. Plus, he’s got tons of other Autobots to back you up whenever you need it. As you can see, from a logistical standpoint, Optimus Prime is by far your best bet.

Still reading? Good, because I’m not done convincing you yet. Besides all the technical reasons, you should chose Optimus Prime because, well, he’s the world’s best leader. I don’t mean to undercut your leadership capabilities, and I know the world might not be completely ready for a robo-President, but he’s got the freaking Autobot Matrix of Leadership. That thing is leadership gold. Prime’s the kind of guy who could lead Helen Keller through the death maze in that one James Bond movie with the death maze. The dude will not only draw wide support from Republicans looking for a strong presidential figure, but he would advise the hell out of your presidency (but without being overbearing; he can be gentle, too). How can you turn that kind of thing down? Answer: you can’t.

To be fair, I know I should mention some of Optimus’ drawbacks. I know he’s not human or anything, and thus, probably not approved by the Democratic Party, but they seem to be all about bending rules this year, so I don’t think it would be a problem. Also, I hear he’s pro-life, but hey, that’d just attract some Republicans, right? These are just little problems that close-minded people get stuck up on. Rather, the biggest problem would probably be that Megatron and the Decepticons would see the United States government as an Autobot organization and declare war on America. But look on the bright side, Prime has been facing them in combat for like nine million years, and he’s won so many times in so many different incarnations that it could hardly be a problem this time. I wouldn’t even worry about it.

Now I know it probably seems kind of ridiculous at first, but I assure you, with Optimus Prime, there’s more than meets the eye. This is what’s best for you, and what’s best for America. You promised this nation change we can believe in, and so now, I’m asking you to believe in Optimus Prime. Like you so eloquently put it, our moment is now. I urge you to make the right choice.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Deeb