The Middlest Child

By: Dres F.C.

Dear Eric Gagne,

Why do you torture me on so many levels? Every time I see your face three feelings come to my mind. The first is, shit, now I won’t be able to breathe for three outs. Which could be a really long time and due to my lack of Navy Seal training I can’t hold my breath that long so I may actually pass out.

The second is, shit, (again); I hope I don’t need a win from Sheets, or Gallardo this week in my head-to-head league.

Lastly, I think to myself I wish I had a razor so I could shave that beard.

See Mr. Gagne, I wanted you to know how you make me feel because I love my Milwaukee Brewers and I really enjoy my fantasy leagues. Those are two things that you are really messing up for me lately. There is a reason that even with your nine saves on the season you remain un-owned in many fantasy leagues. Did you know Joe Borowski also had a terrible ERA last year with a lot of saves but was significantly more owned than you? Joe Borowski!

Again Mr. Gag-me, I’m not sure if you know this but there are a lot of Brewer fans out there that are scratching their head as to how or why we are paying you $10,000,000 a year. I put that in numerals because I figured you were use to big numbers looking at your ERA all season. That’s a lot of zeros in your contract that I am just not seeing you put up on the scoreboard.

Ok, I’ve had it with the pot shots, but what I say next is serious.

Are you ready?

I guarantee you have not heard this one yet.

Ok…here it goes.

For the sake of my Brewers and my fantasy league please start taking steroids again. Your reputation is already ruined. You have stolen $10,000,000 from a not rich Brewer franchise. The least you can do is help us win some games along the way. By the time you would get caught you could have already helped us to a first place finish and a playoff berth. Think about how happy you could make people again.

Think about the smiling faces on the little boys. Sure it won’t be in admiration but it will teach them something every athlete should practice and preach. Taking one for the team. Really, it’s the ultimate selfless act.

Think about all the Boston fans you can piss off by being awesome again. (They deserve a little poke in the ribs after so many of their fans have broken their own Bill Simmons’ rules of a sports fan)

Think about showing up in Dodger stadium and shutting down the heart of the order to seal a crucial win. And, Eric, please think about me because, as much as it pains me to encourage a player to cheat, I really can’t hold my breath that long.

Yours truly,

Bud Selig.