By: Dres F.C.
“Wow this party is really lame. I’ma run to my car and grab that Dashboard Confessionals CD. Liven this bitch up!”
Person Who May Actually Say This: 23-28 year old males. Generally like to pop their collars. Still live their life like they are in their fraternity. Like to go to a park and lay out a blanket for one, where they then serenade passers who never asked for this form of torture with their guitar playing. Patchwork shorts. Visor turned upside down.
Defining Factor: Single.
“The musical talents of both Creed and Nickelback really set them apart from other alt rock bands.”
Person Who May Actually Say This: 7-28 year old. Male or female. Caucasian. Can be found under rocks. You may have to repeat things to them more than once due to their hearing being close to deaf. They may say things like, “Talk into my good ear.” Oversized headphones with the music so loud you can hear the lyrics clear as day walking 5 feet away.
Defining Factor: Rides the short bus.
“I will bet everything I have that Sammy Sosa didn’t take steroids.”
Person Who May Actually Say This: 40 year old male. Dominican. Bulging Muscles. May slip in and out of an accent. Will probably tell you he doesn’t speak English after having an entire conversation with you. Wears a Chicago Cubs hat, and Texas Rangers shirt.
Defining Factor: Is Sammy Sosa
“Samantha from Sex and the City is NOT a whore who spreads more easily than melted butter on toast.”
Person Who May Actually Say This: 27-43 years old. Woman. Can be found at a bar. Drinks a Martini. Either by herself or with a woman that looks exactly like her. To much make up. Cleavage. Men 10 years her younger can be seen nearby telling their friends to “check out that cougar.” Pridefully accepts the nickname “Cougar.”
Defining Factor: Lonely and upset with her life.
“M Night Shyamalan’s movies really keep improving with each cinematic effort.”
Person Who May Actually Say This: ….?
Male Version: “I swear to God I’m not gay. I just love the taste of cock in my mouth.”
Female Version: “Mom, I’m not gay. I just love the feel of vagina in my face”
Person Who May Actually Say This: 18-79 year old. Female or Male. Likes to toss around the word, “experimenting.” Most likely found near a college campus, though has been known to reach every corner of the age spectrum. When wearing a political t-shirt it has a picture of an elephant. Wants to build a giant wall separating the U.S.A. and Mexico. Overly straight in front of people to compensate.
Defining Factor: Masturbates to the same sex.
) so I was merely the orchestrator of this scheme and not the benefactor.
